| | "We're all going to die of SARS and it's the government's fault"
29 Apr 2003
The entire population of the British Isles will die of SARS in a week and it's all the government's fault, the Daily Mail will hysterically announce tomorrow. Despite the complete lack of fatal cases of the disease in the UK, the newspaper believes that the government's actions alone may bring about the end of humankind and reduce house prices dramatically in several middle class areas around the country.
"SARS represents a clear threat to this country and the Labour government is doing nothing about it," wrote editor Paul Dacre in one of the paper's famously unbiased editorials, to be published tomorrow. "At the very least we should be under marshal law with infected people being shot on landing at Heathrow to avoid spreading the disease, but what has the government done? Absolutely nothing. No tanks. No troops. Nothing. They're all busy in Iraq (doing an excellent and fully-justified job by the way, but there's not enough of them). Tony Blair and his cronies should hang their heads in shame at their grossly irresponsible actions... [continues for another five pages in a similar vein]."
Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, a world-renowned expert in justifying right-wing newspapers' lunatic claims, was only too happy to back up the Daily Mail's rant in return for a plug for his book, Why the Daily Mail is right about everything and the government is wrong. "The government's actions are grossly irresponsible," he told one of the newspaper's reporters. "We are all going to die of SARS and the government is doing nothing about it. I know this because I'm a professor, so the government should stop being grossly irresponsible and... [ditto]"
Responding casually to the accusations, a spokesman for the Department of Health invited the paper's staff to look round a laboratory where the virus is being held where they could "get as close as they like to our preparations".
Go on, have a look at this...
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