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After Saddam

Iraq war was over a sex toy, says Vatican
According to a highly placed informant within the Roman Catholic Church, the recent war against Iraq was not waged because of its alleged possession of weapons of mass destruction. "What they were really looking for," the source told DeadBrain, "were the Wet Buns of Nasty Suction."

US intelligence officials believe that the legendary sexual device, considered irretrievably lost after an orgy at the 1968 Cannes Film Festival, eventually resurfaced in Baghdad as early as 1982. Conservative religious groups, led by the Catholic Church, want to see the Buns destroyed. Such groups contributed significantly to George W. Bush's 2000 presidential campaign, and greatly prefer violence to sex in human affairs.

The Vatican source stated that, due to Pope John Paul II's advanced age, the media misunderstood his slurred speech when referring to the Buns, and the Bush Administration was only too happy to let that misunderstanding continue. "You think the US Congress would approve billion in war funding just to find a sex toy?" said a former resident of the oval office. "Not likely. They wouldn't for me anyway."

Not everyone believes that the Buns do, in fact, exist. As such, the legend of the Buns has taken on an almost mythical proportion; comparable, perhaps, to the search for the Jewish Ark of the Covenant or a scrupulous bone in a French diplomat's body. Scholars claim that the Buns were renowned for their ability to satisfy even the most jaded sexual appetites and, as such, were hoarded by royalty. A DeadBrain source in Buckingham Palace has it on good authority that "the Queen Mother herself bore, on the back of her upper thigh, the initiatory tattoo of the privileged few who'd sampled the Buns' pleasures."

On the ground in Iraq, Wet Buns inspector Doug Gregory summed up the difficulties of the present search: "All I know is, if the Iraqis thought they had to protect the Buns by surrounding them with tons of anthrax and VX nerve gas, it must be one hell of a sex toy."

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