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| You just fell over: Home > News | 11th February |
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 The top 7 possible Saddam hideaways according to MI6 6 May 2003 by Rodd Justice Rumours of Saddam's possible hideaways have flown around like flying things since the fall of Baghdad and the conquering of Iraq. Has the Iraqi dictator been killed, or has he got wise and legged it like Harris' mythical Jake the Peg? Here's the official MI6 short-list of possible escape routes, found on a laptop in a West London wine bar: 1. Narnia Saddam may have used a kind of trans-dimensional wardrobe to escape to a fictional kingdom with a lion and a witch, both of which contravene UN conventions on weapons of mass destruction. US military intelligence did suspect that Saddam was in possession of a wardrobe at one of his presidential palaces, although at the time it was only believed to contain moustache-combs. 2. Roswell, New Mexico The sleepy town would usually be an ideal getaway for any fleeing monstrosity, but next week's Elvis gig will draw too much media, potentially risking identification and capture. 3. Saddam's Doubles A theory devised by President Bush himself. Saddam may be inside up to five of his doppelgangers, in a real-life Russian doll situation. Saddam would be contained at the centre of five larger Saddam look-alikes, who would have been hollowed-out especially to hide the dictator. A similar plan was used by Hitler to escape the Allies, until he was caught by a six-year-old in Strasbourg, France in 1957. 4. Hiding with Osama bin Laden Known bosom-buddies, Saddam and Osama are using their previous experience in a new line of work. In the past, they have made a career of angering Americans with their defiant gestures and war crimes. Now, they run a taxi firm in New York City, and anger Americans instead with rude hand gestures and minor traffic offences. 5. On BBC Three Sounds ridiculous, but has ANYONE switched-on to check? 6. Heathrow Airport A canny psychopath, Saddam may have used an international network of drug-smuggling to get across borders. One possible way he could have got through was to hide inside a giant condom inside the stomach of a Jamaican orphan, like common smack cocaine. The orphan flies to London, takes an almighty dump, and Bob's your uncle, Saddam's in west London's sewerage system, and a free man. 7. Reborn in the USA ITV's popular hit Saturday night show could be the next stop for Saddam. Image in tatters, fallen from international diplomacy's clique of A-list celebrities, he will tour the US in an attempt to "make it" to the top again. If you would like to vote for Saddam, text "KUWAITI BOMB BOMBS" to 873099, or send £50 in the post to "Anthrax Pharmaceutical, Baghdad, Iraq". After the break, Davina McCall talks to Saddam about the emotional moment when he persuaded Bobby Davro not to quit the show for a career in performance suicide... Related articles Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree 11 Apr 2007
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Hoon asks Iraqis not to shoot back22 Oct 2004
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One week on: Top 10 options for Saddam22 Dec 2003 Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction 15 Dec 2003 Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards? 14 Dec 2003 17:53 Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture 14 Dec 2003 14:46 Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again 14 Dec 2003 Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort 30 Oct 2003 Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid 16 Oct 2003 Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action" 10 Oct 2003 Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence 7 Oct 2003 White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance 24 Sep 2003 Branson considering Iraq bid 22 Sep 2003 In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks 20 Sep 2003 Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything 17 Sep 2003 US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq 5 Sep 2003 US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert 2 August 2003 Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim 31 July 2003 Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead 29 Jul 2003 Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch 25 Jul 2003 Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead 23 Jul 2003 Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries 21 Jul 2003 Satire site found guilty of fabricating war report 21 Jul 2003 Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device 18 Jul 2003 Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds 16 Jul 2003 Saddam Hussein™ offers $10 million reward for Cheney 10 Jul 2003 MPs clear BBC in Iraq dossier row 7 Jul 2003 U.S. prepares ground for more liberations 6 Jul 2003 Saddam Hussein to feature in next Harry Potter novel 27 Jun 2003 Bush and Rumsfeld in card game spat 25 Jun 2003 Rumsfeld outraged at Satirists' Guild, threatens "forceful action" 23 Jun 2003 Satirists Guild calls for halt on WMD stories 22 Jun 2003 New fabricated intelligence dossier proves everything 20 Jun 2003 Greenstock appointed to Iraq post; rest of world couldn't care less 19 Jun 2003
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