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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You are disappointed to see: Home > News | 6th September |
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 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 by Kevin Donnelly A new report issued by Conservative Central Office claims that drinking too much IDS can have a negative effect on the Conservative Party's health. In fact, says the report, even after MPs think he has disappeared from all media he can still be doing serious damage to the body politic. Scientists have spent eighteen months studying the effect of prolonged exposure to IDS on the brain. In most adults it produces only slight boredom, but even in small doses this can cause serious disaffection from politics. In some it can stimulate the recognition centres of the brain. Such people - highly unusual and gifted individuals - can "identify" IDS when watching TV or reading newspapers. In others it can deaden response times and dampen enthusiasm for life. These people, known as "Tory MPs", are the most at-risk community. At first exposure to IDS causes spontaneous outbursts of loyalty when a job might be in the offing, followed by spluttering, incoherent defences of his record. The next stage is to laugh off interviewers' questions. They can eventually become delusional, babbling about elections and Conservative governments. IDS can be cured with polls, it is claimed, but in trials no effect has been noted. Some alternatives have been muted, including Portillo, Howard and Davis, but all are unpleasant in taste and come with nasty side-effects. Related articles DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller" 7 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003 Trick or treat with Michael Howard 31 Oct 2003 Howard to stand as Tory leader after all 30 Oct 2003 16:14 Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest 29 Oct 2003 23:55 Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun 29 Oct 2003 19:40 In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts 28 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday 27 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war 23 Oct 2003 Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space 20 Oct 2003 Tory leader "has office", to be investigated 12 Oct 2003 WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool 9 Oct 2003 Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise 6 Oct 2003 Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form 22 Jul 2003 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover 19 Jun 2003 Conservative leader resigned several months ago 31 May 2003 Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity 24 May 2003 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election 14 May 2003 IDS - "a real threat to government" 5 May 2003 New Tory information minister hails election victory 2 May 2003 Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors 24 Feb 2003 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003
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