| | US raises satirist alert to Level Orange
23 May 2003 by Malcolm Drury
Speaking during an address to the graduating class of the Poughkeepsie College of Taxidermy, US President "Boy" George W. Bush today alleged that the USA was facing a mounting threat from satirists.
"America is under attack", he said, "from satirist cells around the world, but particularly from Europe, and especially Old Europe. Even our ally, the U of K, is a breeding ground for satirists of the worst kind. We might expect it from the French and the Germaniums, but it's a bit much to be attacked from Britain. I'll be having a word with Timmy Blair about this. America will not tolerate these attacks. The war against the satirists will be long and hard, but make no mistake about it, our might will prevail."
Following this, US Homeland Security Secretary Tom "Who?" Ridge announced that he had raised the satirist threat alert to Level Orange, warning Americans to take especial care not to be exposed to satire of any description. "Americans should avoid the Internet, lefty newspapers, and any TV not controlled by Rupert Murdoch," he said, adding that he had directed his office to establish a new Satirist Threat Integration Centre with a mandate to coordinate America's fight against satirists.
Not wishing to be outdone, Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld announced that he had irrefutable evidence of an active satirist cell in the UK led by a Gregory T Mullet. "Our agents are searching for this person," he said, "and when we find him we have a nice little rest planned for him at our Guantanamo Bay Holiday Camp".
The US Department of Homeland Security uses three levels of satirist alert. Level Yellow means that Americans can expect gentle satire that, while a nuisance, is not particularly threatening or demeaning. Level Orange refers to satire of a more personal and probing nature, designed to poke fun at sacred American institutions such as the Pentagon, the White House, and large corporations. Level Red, the most serious, is designated as a weapon of mass distraction, intended to so infuriate the recipient as to incapacitate him, her, them or it.
Mr. Mullet was apparently unavailable for comment.
Hey, look at this!
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