DeadBrain - SPECIAL REPORT: New EU constitution will mean end of life as we know it

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SPECIAL REPORT: New EU constitution will mean end of life as we know it
27 May 2003

The Convention on the Future of Europe's draft constitution will mean the end of life as we know it, the vast majority of tabloid newspapers and the Daily Telegraph report today. If the proposals are accepted by the 15 member states, new laws including the compulsory singing of the European anthem at 10.15am every morning; the conversion of all countries' languages to a cross between French and German; and the complete banning of free speech will come into effect.

In addition to this, an entire section of the draft has apparently been devoted to introducing draconian measures against the UK out of sheer vindictiveness for not joining the single currency and, as a by-product, providing enough ammunition for EU scare stories to last the average Daily Mail hack several months.

Should the constitution be introduced, all British people will be instantly banned from drinking tea, drivers will be forced to drive on the other side of the road, British newspapers will be replaced by their Belgian equivalents, the whole of the British armed forces will be disbanded or put under German command, and the door of number 10 Downing Street will be painted blue with yellow stars.

The response to this from the Daily Mail is typically restrained. "Those filthy Eurocrats are eating away at our country's borders like a plague of dirty rats," one hack wrote hysterically with the last drops of his own blood. "If this constitution is accepted we will no longer be British: by law we will all be French. Even Blair doesn't want that, but his chief negotiator is too toothless to do anything to stop it."

"We are being invaded by the back door," the same hack continued to fume over several pages, borrowing the blood of a colleague to finish his words. "Letting the new European invaders get away with their ghastly crimes is a kick in the teeth for the men who fought and died in all the wars this country has ever engaged in – including the most recent one in Iraq. If we can't let Saddam Hussein get away with having weapons of mass destruction, what on earth in God's name is Blair doing letting the French and Germans get away with an equally heinous deed: the total dissolution of the United Kingdom?"

The Daily Telegraph meanwhile includes the following helpful "fact box" to help its readers understand the draft constitution:

FACT: Our armed forces are still tied up in the Gulf. The French and German armies are poised across the Channel to impose their constitution on us should we refuse.
FACT: One in ten British people have been severely disfigured by using a Euro note or coin while on holiday.
FACT: Under the new constitution, the president of the EU will control more than half of the world's nuclear weapons – any of which could be fired at major British cities at the touch of a button.
FACT: Scientists have proven that French and German politicians are, by their nature, genetically evil. Do we really want these people running our country?

The Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan Smith, has called for a referendum to be held on the new constitution. "It is extremely important that the British people be given the chance to have a say on something that could drastically affect the running of the country," he said. "It's even more important that we have one because the government might lose."

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