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Asylum Crisis

Asylum seekers have brought NHS to its knees, says Daily Mail
The NHS is on its knees because of the number of asylum seekers using it, the Daily Mail complained today. "There are now so many asylum seekers coming to this country solely for the purpose of being ill that there are no longer doctors or nurses left to treat British patients," ranted one reporter under the headline "Shoot them, shoot them all, it's the only thing they understand". "Almost all of the few beds this government has left us with are taken up by young men who have come across from poor countries in a deliberate attempt to wreck our health service."

"FACT: Of all of the so-called asylum seekers who come to Britain, 99% of them are false and the rest should stop moaning and go home," the writer helpfully explained. "Of the 1% who are even slightly genuine, three quarters of them will become ill and require hospital treatment within four hours of arrival. On average, the rest will be laid up in a hospital ward in less than a month."

Ordinary British hospital patients apparently now have to form queues stretching up to a mile long outside hospitals in order to get seen by a receptionist. The typical waiting time to see a doctor in casualty has increased from a few hours to over two and a half years. Even pharmacies have not escaped the wrath of asylum seekers. "Nine out of ten pharmacists say they are overstretched as a result of giving out methadone to asylum seekers," fumed another reporter, taking over from the other one at the point where he had literally exploded with rage. "That's as many as cats find their food tasty. What more evidence does the government need?"

Spotting a passing bandwagon, the alleged Conservative leader, Iain Duncan Smith, immediately jumped on it. "The government has let the number of asylum seekers entering the country hurtle rapidly out of control," he announced with some gusto. "It is little wonder that the NHS is practically useless to ordinary people now. The government should listen to the Daily Mail er, I mean the people's concerns - and start doing something about it."

The Liberal Democrat leader, Charles Kennedy, was only too happy to leap onto the same bandwagon as Mr Duncan Smith, adding that a penny on income tax would solve all of the problems in the NHS and have enough money left over to bribe asylum seekers not to come to Britain in the first place.

In response, the government denied that the NHS is in crisis and promised to look in to people's concerns about asylum seekers. A spokesman did, however, rule out shooting them on arrival. The Daily Mail was said to be "disappointed".

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The DeadBrain Asylum Seeker Quiz

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