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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Hans Blix |
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| You accidentally discovered: Home > News | 11th February |
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 Euro Analysis: Why the euro will be the best thing since sliced baguettes 9 Jun 2003 By Comrade Joseph T von Mullet, stereotypical Independent columnist Today, Gordon Brown will announce whether Britain has passed his five so-called economic tests for dragging Britain kicking and screaming into the 21st century. Joining the euro, if we eventually get round to it, won't just mean a minor change of our currency: it will mean the life of every single person in the United Kingdom improves tenfold at least. No longer will our schools and hospitals be crumbling, no longer will our transport infrastructure be in meltdown, no longer will our performance at Wimbledon be a national disgrace: the euro is exactly what this country needs – a solution to all of our problems.
One of the great myths about the euro that the Conservatives are keen to disseminate is that it will destroy our economy, that it will leave millions unemployed. Nonsense! We only have to look across the Channel to see how untrue this really is. The French and German economies are in a fantastic state – and ours would be even worse if we hadn't just fought (and almost lost!) a war forced upon us by the Americans. Unemployment in Germany may be high, the French may be on strike continuously about pensions and Luxembourg may be too small for us to care about but, as the Germans say, cest le vive! Luxembourg has always been small; you can't expect that to change overnight. No, the euro is good for business and it is not good for jobs. The only people it won't benefit are the Conservatives, who will almost certainly be divided into insignificance! Even now, as I sit in that bastion of Britishness, the pizza takeaway, and as I gradually run out of arguments to support my wild claims, I can't help but imagine how much better life would be if we had the sparkling new euro instead of our grotty old pound. I would much rather pay for my Neapolitan delight with euro coins, which have been scientifically proven to offer unknown health benefits to their bearers, than our entirely discredited present currency. Some may say that the time is not right, that we are not ready and may never be ready to join the euro. To them I say: Bonjour! Welcome to the real world. The time is right for us to join – to leave it any longer could ruin our position as a global power. The economics are not important, nor are the effects on business or employment. What is important is that we can continue to be British while being a member of a great, world-beating and proven currency. The simple fact is that we cannot do that unless we join the euro. That is why you, as a British citizen and a comrade-in-arms, must vote Yes to the single currency – and that you can't even do that yet shouldn't stop you! Related articles Revealed: 5 alternative tests for the euro 13 Jun 2003 In Brief: Government pledges standards improvement over euro test failure 10 Jun 2003 UK to renounce decimal currency, revert to £sd 9 Jun 2003 Euro Analysis: What effect will it have on women's breasts? 9 Jun 2003 Euro Analysis: Why the euro will be the best thing since sliced baguettes 9 Jun 2003 Euro Analysis: Why the euro will mean the end of civilisation as we know it 9 Jun 2003
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