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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Iain Duncan Smith |
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| You smell better than: Home > News | 8th January |
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 Hillary's sordid past: Sex and the Senate 12 Jun 2003 by Allen Voivod In our final instalment, Hillary's former editor, Ms. Ingrid Haggardsly, gives us the inside scoop on life in the US Senate, and an all-important vote for using force in Iraq. "I arrived at the Senate for the last weeks of filming on Stanley Kubrick's Congressional documentary, Eyes Wide Shut. (I'm one of the women that walks around naked and wears a mask, but I promised Stanley I would never tell people which one I am.) That was a really exciting time to be in the Senate chambers, to say the least! "But soon, the other Senators remembered why they hated me, and no amount of favors would placate them. Painting over graffiti in the bathroom stalls, cleaning the chandelier over the Senate floor, fixing flat tires on other Senators' limos – nothing worked. "What started to turn my reputation around, though, was voting in October 2002 to authorize Bush's future use of force against Iraq. The truth about Washington, that no one seems to understand, is that everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is just part of a deal on the table. "Bush needed Democratic votes in the Senate, and he must have been desperate for them to ask me for help. When I went into the Oval Office, Bush was in his traditional leather chaps and ten-gallon hat, throwing his lasso over a sculpture of Teddy Roosevelt. 'I'll get right to the point, little lady,' he said. 'I'm willing to offer you a stake in an oilfield and part of a power grid reconstruction contract for your vote.' "'You're gonna bomb more than that,' I replied. 'I want a piece of the telecom reconstruction, too. And Bill wants to have a three-way with your daughters.' Bush, gentleman that he is, said, 'What about you?' I said, 'I've done the twins thing – girl-girl, boy-boy, girl-boy, conjoined, you name it – but Bill never has, and Christmas is coming.' 'All right,' Bush said, 'I'll set it all up for you.' "And so I voted yes, Bill got his three-way, Iraq got blown up, and everybody lived happily ever after." Related articles Hillary's sordid past: Sex and the Senate 12 Jun 2003 Hillary's sordid past: Swinging and wife-swapping 11 Jun 2003 Hillary's sordid past: The politics of pleasuring poultry 10 Jun 2003 Sacked editor to reveal Hillary Clinton's darkest secrets 8 Jun 2003
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