| | Israel kills key Hamas figure, peace now assured
12 Jun 2003 by Jonathan Williams
World leaders are today celebrating as peace was declared in the troubled Middle East after Israel successfully assassinated militant Hamas leader Abdel-Aziz al-Rantissi after a failed attempt on the 10th of June. "We give up," said a senior Hamas figure, "We have been outgunned and outwitted by the brave Israelis, and know when we're beaten."
Due to the rigid power structure that characterises the organisation, the 90% of remaining militants that were under Rantissi in the power structure will now drop out of the struggle altogether. The remaining 10% quickly followed their fellow combatants in abandoning the intifada, and have submitted plans of attack, weapons and explosives to Israeli authorities. Jihad will officially end at midnight on the 13th June.
"Until recently I was committed to the cause but this changes everything," commented a Hamas fighter who wished to remain nameless. "If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have said that it was my duty as a servant of Allah to fight those who take our land and spill the blood of fellow Muslims. My family was killed when Israeli tanks demolished my home, and I have since lived for revenge. I would have even given my life. But now that so many key figures in Hamas are gone, I've changed my mind. It's all over now, and I'm handing in my suicide jacket."
A jubilant Ariel Sharon today advised other world leaders to follow his example of gaining peace by targeted strikes. As a result of his encouragement, the US Defence Department has signalled that they will redouble their efforts to capture or kill Osama bin Laden. It is now widely believed that achieving this goal will lead to the complete and instantaneous disappearance of the entire al Qaeda terror group and all of its adherents.
Hey, look at this!
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