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| You are passing rapidly through: Home > News | 11th February |
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 Revealed: 5 alternative tests for the euro 13 Jun 2003 by Scott Bicheno It is clear that Gordon Brown's five tests are far too vague ever to produce a clear decision. To overcome this problem, the Say Something That Means Anything Institute, a leading exasperation think-tank, has produced 5 new tests that will produce a definitive answer to the question "Should Britain join the Euro?" 1. Will America be cross with us? Everyone accepts the need not to upset America as work is very stressful at the moment and the last thing they need when they get home is more problems. 2. Will Gordon Brown have a place in history? Tony and George have already got one so it's only fair for him to have one too. Besides, it's his economy and nobody can make him share it. 3. War and flexibility Does Europe have the flexibility to go to war for reasons that are subject to change without prior notice? 4. Has Europe asked nicely enough? Europe has to ask us politely, in person and in English without an accent. They have to say "please" at least once and include the phrase "we're rubbish without you". 5. Convergence Have the words "yes" and "no" converged sustainably and durably to make the new word "yno"? The second test would be met subject to the achievement of the first and third which would in turn only be met upon achievement of the fourth. None of the first four tests can be considered to be passed until the crucial fifth test is met. Once this is met a commitment to the possibility of considering a potential referendum will be undertaken. The government will unite behind the slogan "Yno to the Euro". Related articles Revealed: 5 alternative tests for the euro 13 Jun 2003 In Brief: Government pledges standards improvement over euro test failure 10 Jun 2003 UK to renounce decimal currency, revert to £sd 9 Jun 2003 Euro Analysis: What effect will it have on women's breasts? 9 Jun 2003 Euro Analysis: Why the euro will be the best thing since sliced baguettes 9 Jun 2003 Euro Analysis: Why the euro will mean the end of civilisation as we know it 9 Jun 2003
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