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Ground Force team to do make-over of Baghdad
14 Jun 2003 by Malcolm Drury
DeadBrain has learned that the Ground Force team has been invited to lead a make over of Baghdad, which was extensively damaged during the recent spat between Saddam Hussein™ and US President "Boy" George W. Bush and his ally, Tony Blair.
According to Ahmed al Ramas-Botm, former head gardener to Mr. Saddam, Ground Force was a popular programme in Iraq during the days of the Saddam regime, as it was the only one on Iraqi television that did not feature Saddam himself. "So it was a natural for us to look to the Ground Force team to help us with our landscaping reconstruction," he told our reporter in Baghdad.
Approval had to be obtained from the US military rulers of Iraq. Marine spokesman Lieut. Cletus K. Ramsbottom Jr. is reported to have said, "That name ‘Ground Force' sounds suspicious. We don't want no subversives. We'll be watching them very carefully. One false move with a trowel or hoe and we'll open fire. Whoo - hay!!!"
In spite of that, and although no longer a part of the regular Ground Force team, the genial Alan Titchmarsh has agreed to rejoin the team as overall coordinator for this special project. "I have already made a number of sketches, using several different themes," he said. "Unfortunately, as you know, we usually send a crew posing as market researchers to find out surreptitiously from the owner what kind of design he or she would prefer. Try as we might, we couldn't track Saddam himself down so we had to make do with one of his doubles. On the other hand, we won't have to worry about him coming home before 5 o'clock."
Added Charlie Dimmock: "It will be a bit like Ground Force meets Charlie's Garden Army, really, as we will be calling on the locals to help out. It will be a huge challenge. There's a lot of sand and rubble to move, and we'll only have the two days. As usual I will be in charge of the water features. If I can find any water."
Male viewers, and possibly some female ones, will be pleased to know that Charlie will not be wearing a burqa.
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