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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 4th February |
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| "Claire Short - a big song and dance" hits the West End 14 Jun 2003 by B Stone Critics, reporters, and politicians flocked to London's West End last night as "Claire Short - A Big Song and Dance", the long-awaited autobiographical musical of Short's political career, was finally premiered. Famous faces amongst those present for the opening included fellow West End divas Martine "Tiff" McCutcheon and "Mad-dog" Madonna Ritchie, along with world-renowned theatrical critic, Dougy Ramsbottom. "I'm looking forward to this. Short's a genius," enthused Ramsbottom. "You should have seen her cameo in Cats!" The Conservative leader, "Iain-Duncan" Smith, was also present for the opening. Standing on a wooden beer-crate and armed only with a megaphone and an innocuous grin, IDS explained to queuing reporters his planned "zero tolerance" approach to carp filching and "reminded" those present how much "better" things had been under the Conservative Party. The play itself was stunning. Short, wearing a blue lycra cat suit, played herself with some panache - dancing, singing, and performing spectacular U-turns at the most astonishing moments. Martin Clunes as Tony Blair could do no wrong, while William Hague playing both himself and "Iain-Duncan" Smith was suitably nondescript. Still, despite the all-star cast, the show was all-but stolen by hitherto unknown ex-sumo-wrestler Yukoto Hishimara - who played Deputy Prime Minister John Prescott with remarkably sympathetic charm. The dramatic ending sees a cynical Short belatedly leaving Blair's "corporate whorligarchy" to chase after her departing showboat and lost friend Robin Cook. With a spectacular running jump she just catches onto the tail of the boat and successfully boards it. The play ends with her and Cook showboating into the sunset singing, as they pass on into the "lost seas of public indifference". Out of breath and sweating after the show, a cat-suited Claire Short agreed to be interviewed for DeadBrain. The idea, Short claims, was first conceived in the build-up to the Iraqi conflict when Short challenged the "frustrated and increasingly mendacious" Prime Minister on his "whimsical claims" about WMD - particularly the claim of Saddam's "sinister legion of Gary Glitter clones", which, the Prime Minister had claimed, were "ready to be para-dropped into every British school in just 17 minutes". In retaliation, Blair accused Short of making "a big song and dance" out of the issue. Short immediately defended herself, saying "I am not", to which Blair quickly retorted, "Are too". Short reasserted, "Am not", but Blair again contradicted. The dispute continued in this vein for several minutes until Short interrupted that "at least [she] can make a song and dance" unlike Blair, whom she claimed had "all the rhythm of a flat tax accountant" and Prescott who "dances like a loose baboon". "Tony - The Musical" is expected to open in late September, subject to an economic assessment by Gordon Brown. Critics expect to be waiting for some time yet.
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