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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Iain Duncan Smith |
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| You smell better than: Home > News | 5th July |
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| Beckham transfer now biggest story in history of news 15 Jun 2003 David Beckham's potential transfer to another football club is now the biggest story in the history of news, it was revealed today. According to a survey carried out by opinion pollsters MORIORLESSI, over 96% of all adults expressed an "overwhelming interest" in the England captain's club future, while a further 3% said they were "very interested". Only 1% of respondents said that they were just "mildly interested". In less than a fortnight, the Beckham story has eclipsed everything from the Iraq war to the SARS virus to the Chancellor's euro decision. Even the cabinet reshuffle, normally an event of huge excitement, has paled into insignificance compared to Beckham's antics. Historical news events including the invasion of Poland, the moon landings and the beheading of King Charles I are also thought to have attracted less interest than this. "People aren't interested in who's running the NHS or whether we change our currency or not, and I can see why," said political hack Douglas Ramsbottom. "Even I'm more interested in Beckham than politics now, and I'm a Liverpool fan." Justifying his decision to keep Beckham at the top of the news agenda, the BBC's Director of News, Richard Sambrook, explained: "Which club the England captain plays for has a far greater impact on people's daily lives than the NHS or the euro. We have to report what the public are interested in." So great is the demand for news about Beckham's future that most radio stations have introduced special bulletins every quarter of an hour to keep people up to date, and the BBC's rolling news channel has been temporarily renamed BBC Beckham 24. Other channels have followed suit, with Sky News implementing a 10-screen interactive service offering live pictures of Beckingham Palace and analysis from a team of commentators, and the ITV News Channel has placed a cardboard cut-out of the footballer in its studio. On the few days last week when there was no new news about Beckham, doctors report a "major increase" in people being admitted to waiting lists with anxiety problems. Meanwhile, police in Manchester United's core areas of support – Ipswich and Birmingham – say incidents of civil disorder rose tenfold as a direct result of the lack of news. A government spokesman pleaded for calm and urged Beckham and United to make up their minds as soon as possible.
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