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Battle for Survival

Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover
Bemused students and "jobseekers" everywhere watched as the latest phase in the Conservative Party makeover hit television screens this morning. Desperate for publicity, the Conservative "leader", Iain Duncan "Donuts" Smith, this morning made a spectacular guest appearance on ever-popular TV talk show "Trisha".

This morning's show, titled "I'm a DUD - make me a STUD!" saw guests receiving a free makeover from a team of "image experts."

Grinning innocuously over the subtitle "DUD", IDS agreed to a makeover "to reflect the ever changing face of British Conservatism". Even as he left the stage with Trisha's "fashion Guru", the audience leapt on the chance for political debate, asking such questions as: "Who was that man?" (Claire, 42, of Ely) and "What's a Tory?" (Winnona, 7, of Norwich).

"The audience knew right away that Iain had been a 'DUD'," Trisha explained later, "Mainly due to his lack of visible tattoos and failure to sport a 'goatee' beard. On my show that just isn't normal."

Emerging twenty minutes later, to the subtitle 'STUD', IDS professed to feeling "great" about his new look.

"Well - the first thing we had to do was lose that grey suit," explained chat-show fashion "guru" Ramone, "Which, as you see, we replaced with those darling Khaki combat-shorts and this super-chic Hawaiian shirt. The shirt's tucked in to look more 'Pro-European', and - of course - to show off that gorgeous bronze Lion-head buckle on the belt.

"The sandals were Iain's idea to give it all a more traditional 'caring Conservative' look, but..."

"The socks are mine," interrupted Iain.

"The gold medallions," continued Ramone, pointing to some small hub-caps on Mr Donut's chest, "and the chains, rings, earrings: they were to appeal to the whole 'bling-bling' hip-hop, youth-culture thing, y'know?

"And as for the wig... well, you know, baldness has been cool, like, never. So, we got this wig for him and chopped it up a bit, like David Beckham and - Hey Presto - look what you get!

"Altogether, I think it works."

Political analyst Donald P Ramsbottom was also optimistic, though his cousin, novelist Douglas H H Ramsbottom - getting entirely the wrong end of the stick - strongly opposed the move, mourning:

"It's the tinkers I feel sorry for - but no-one thinks about the tinkers."

Iain Duncan "Stud" is expected to premiere his new look in Parliament tomorrow.

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