| | Shipman to advise government on NHS reforms
21 Jun 2003
Jarvis, the company responsible for the poorly maintained points that caused the Potters Bar rail crash, has been named as the preferred bidder for a contract to replace track in the area. A spokesman for Network Rail, the successor of Railtrack, was candid in speaking about the decision. "We have chosen Jarvis because of their expertise and because we know what we will get from them. Other bidders simply do not have the experience of failure and incompetence that the British rail network experts," he said. "They may do a bad job, but at least we'll know about it in advance. That makes planning much easier."
In related news, Harold Shipman, the GP convicted of murdering hundreds of his elderly patients, has been appointed as an adviser to the new Health Secretary, Dr John Reid. Shipman will have responsibility for planning the treatment of pensioners within the NHS. Commenting on the appointment, Dr Reid told DeadBrain: "Bed-blocking and long waiting lists caused by ill pensioners are a real problem for the NHS. Dr Shipman has some ideas on reducing both of these problems and I'm willing to listen."
Other advisers have also been appointed in what is seen as the final stage of Tony Blair's reorganisation of government. Robert Maxwell, the tycoon who stole over £400m from his company's pension fund, has been recruited to work alongside Andrew Smith at the Treasury on pensions, despite being dead. "We are very much in favour of equal opportunities – death doesn't have to be a barrier for everything in life," remarked Mr Smith.
The Foreign Secretary, Jack Straw, has been promoted to a new role involving foreign affairs and occasional trips abroad as an adviser to the Prime Minister; Jeffrey Archer is to advise the government on reforming the criminal justice system after his release from prison; and the winner of the BBC's Fame Academy, whoever that was, is to advise Tessa Jowell on the performing arts.
Finally, a number of celebrities have been recruited to raise standards in the teaching of English in primary schools. The famous faces, which are thought to include David Beckham, Ali G and John Prescott, will start work in September.
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