|News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Donald Rumsfeld|
|You have been disturbed by: Home > News||30th January|
U.S. prepares ground for more liberations
6 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury
The US administration has announced a move intended to ease the way for liberation of several further countries, as and if required, following its spectacular success in Iraq.
White House spokesperson Mildred K. Ramsbottom told a press conference that several countries have been declared ineligible to receive U.S. military assistance because they failed to meet the US deadline for exempting American citizens from prosecution before the war-crimes tribunal in the new International Criminal Court.
US President "Boy" George W. Bush nullified the 1998 agreement signed by former President Bill Clinton. "President Bush felt that this was an unacceptable encroachment on our sovereignty," she explained, "and he is a great believer in, and defender of, national sovereignty".
Included in the list of countries to be so punished are regional powers such as Lesotho, Malawi, Mali, Bulgaria, Lithuania, Malta, Serbia and Montenegro, Slovakia, Slovenia, Antigua and Barbuda, Barbados, Peru, St. Vincent and Grenadines, Trinidad and Tobago, Uruguay, Fiji, and Samoa.
US Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld later told reporters that the action was being taken to protect US troops in the event of possible US military action.
"Look, we may need to liberate any one of those countries at any time," he said. "Who knows what they are harbouring - terrorists, Saddam Hussein™, Taliban - or what direct and immediate threat they might pose to the US. We know, from our intelligence services, that Trinidad and Tobago is harbouring al-Qaeda fugitives, we believe Osama bin Laden is in hiding in Lithuania, and we strongly suspect that Fiji is actively developing nuclear weapons."
"Given all that," he continued, "it seems inevitable that we will have to send US liberation forces in eventually, and we don't want them having to worry about being prosecuted for just doing their job."
Asked what being ineligible to receive military assistance means, Mr. Rumsfeld went on: "Just what it says. When these countries are threatened by some superpower, we won't be there to help them… oh, wait a minute, that would be us anyway, wouldn't it?"
Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree
11 Apr 2007Democrats propose "cap and trade" scheme for Iraq troop levels
26 Jan 2007BREAKING NOOSE: Saddam execution - special 40-page colour souvenir only in today's Sun!
2 Jan 2007Iraq war suffers summer slump as ratings 'bomb'
14 Aug 2006Al-Zarqawi killed by blast injuries - shock
12 Jun 2006Suicide attacks in Iraq kill 37 – population critical
12 May 2006Prince Harry Potter will go to Iraq: MoD
24 Apr 2006Saddam Hussein re-instated as President of Iraq
18 Feb 2006Typo ends British army presence in Iraq
4 Jan 2006Iraq wakes up to new 'Sunni Delight' drink
20 Jul 2005US Marines surround Bethnal Green
6 May 2005US to search for WMDs in Iraq
1 Feb 2005Abuse tolerance zones planned for British soldiers
27 Jan 2005Al-Zarqawi "kicked" from Iraqi militant website
25 Nov 2004Hoon asks Iraqis not to shoot back
22 Oct 2004Comical Ali implicated in Allawi speech
24 Sep 2004Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims
24 Jun 2004Bush declassifies personal shopping list, proves did not order torture
23 Jun 2004MoD considers adequate equipment supply for British troops
8 Jun 2004New Iraq puppet government: Sooty in charge
2 Jun 2004UK troop deployment not related to election; Pope's religion questioned
30 May 2004Plans for new Bush statue to replace Saddam ruin in Baghdad
25 Apr 2004Secret US plan to turn Iraq over to Halliburton uncovered
20 Apr 2004Saddam Hussein promises Iraq truce in return for release
15 Apr 2004Pentagon hires Comical Ali to head Iraq PR
9 Apr 2004US to withdraw from Iraq, start again
8 Apr 2004One week on: Top 10 options for Saddam
22 Dec 2003
Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction
15 Dec 2003
Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards?
14 Dec 2003 17:53
Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture
14 Dec 2003 14:46
Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again
14 Dec 2003
Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort
30 Oct 2003
Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid
16 Oct 2003
Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action"
10 Oct 2003
Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence
7 Oct 2003
White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance
24 Sep 2003
Branson considering Iraq bid
22 Sep 2003
In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks
20 Sep 2003
Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything
17 Sep 2003
US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq
5 Sep 2003
US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert
2 August 2003
Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim
31 July 2003
Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead
29 Jul 2003
Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch
25 Jul 2003
Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead
23 Jul 2003
Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries
21 Jul 2003
Satire site found guilty of fabricating war report
21 Jul 2003
Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device
18 Jul 2003
Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds
16 Jul 2003
Saddam Hussein™ offers $10 million reward for Cheney
10 Jul 2003
MPs clear BBC in Iraq dossier row
7 Jul 2003
U.S. prepares ground for more liberations
6 Jul 2003
Saddam Hussein to feature in next Harry Potter novel
27 Jun 2003
Bush and Rumsfeld in card game spat
25 Jun 2003
Rumsfeld outraged at Satirists' Guild, threatens "forceful action"
23 Jun 2003
Satirists Guild calls for halt on WMD stories
22 Jun 2003
New fabricated intelligence dossier proves everything
20 Jun 2003
Greenstock appointed to Iraq post; rest of world couldn't care less
19 Jun 2003