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| You accidentally discovered: Home > News | 23rd May |
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 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 by Stone In a move that has shocked both major political parties and the Conservatives, the alleged Conservative leader, Iain Duncan "Smith", was this morning revealed as the new contestant for "hit" reality TV show Big Brother. After three years as Channel Four's most bankable project, Big Brother has run into trouble this year following dramatically reduced viewing figures. As even Graham Norton's interest starts to wane, Channel Four has attempted to revitalise the show through a variety of high-profile publicity stunts, including Viagra-laced drinking water, alleged tabloid "scandals" and a much-hyped "bomb scare" last Friday. "We couldn't take any risks," noted police explosives expert Brandon Scott Jackson on Saturday, "So we destroyed the suspicious object in a contained blast. Evidence since recovered revealed their 'bomb' to have been little more than a stash of 'Boys and Girls' production reels wrapped in Vernon Kay's underpants. We weren't amused." In spite of these efforts, viewing figures for the show have refused to lift, as surveys continue to show that few people with "any loose semblance of a life" are yet inclined to watch the show. In a move which has been described variously as "desperate", "futile" and "laughable", Mr Duncan Smith has at last been invited to join. "When Christine Hamilton refused it was felt that there really wasn't any other choice," Channel Four executive Andy Peters explained. "On behalf of Channel Four I'd like to apologise in advance. I hope the viewers will forgive us." Mr Duncan Smith quickly accepted the offer. "It should be good for Iain," enthused a Conservative Party source. "He's never been the most interesting person in a room before - this should work wonders for his morale!" Mr Duncan Smith's aunt agreed: "He's been so nervous since he got that job. He's painfully shy - hopefully this should bring him out of himself a bit! He really is a lovely young man." It is believed that Mr Duncan Smith will take residence in the house at ten o'clock tonight in an hour long special to be televised live on E4, sponsored by a major manufacturer of sleeping tablets. Those without digital television will be able to catch the show on Channel Four later this week. Observers agree that this may prove to be a critical stage in the beleaguered leader's battle for survival. "If he can't hold his own against a mob of uneducated, unintelligent and uninteresting slobs then he has no chance of beating Labour in the next election," commented DeadBrain's political editor, Douglas Ramsbottom. Related articles DeadBrain obtains discarded IDS political "thriller" 7 Nov 2003 Conservatives replace balding, unelectable leader with balding, unelectable leader 6 Nov 2003 Trick or treat with Michael Howard 31 Oct 2003 Howard to stand as Tory leader after all 30 Oct 2003 16:14 Entire Conservative Party rules itself out of leadership contest 29 Oct 2003 23:55 Satirists mourn loss of Duncan Smith as Tory leader, figure of fun 29 Oct 2003 19:40 In Brief: Tory leadership crisis - excitement mounts 28 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith demands dry cleaning be returned by Wednesday 27 Oct 2003 Duncan Smith victim of Conservative-Labour bidding war 23 Oct 2003 Tory leader to give birth, have heart scare, go into space 20 Oct 2003 Tory leader "has office", to be investigated 12 Oct 2003 WHO moves to contain IDS outbreak in Blackpool 9 Oct 2003 Newsreaders hospitalised after Duncan Smith promise 6 Oct 2003 Tory leader calls for Kelly inquiry to be produced in cartoon form 22 Jul 2003 Conservative leader to join Big Brother house 9 Jul 2003 Trisha helps IDS in Conservative Party makeover 19 Jun 2003 Conservative leader resigned several months ago 31 May 2003 Tory "leader" demands right to lifelong non-anonymity 24 May 2003 IDS "bad for health" claims report 16 May 2003 IDS gets giggles while proclaiming confidence that Tories will win at next election 14 May 2003 IDS - "a real threat to government" 5 May 2003 New Tory information minister hails election victory 2 May 2003 Tories deny open warfare; call in weapons inspectors 24 Feb 2003 "Spoons save Tories", claim spin-doctors 22 Feb 2003
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