| | Heterosexuals storm Church Synod meeting
12 Jul 2003
A group of heterosexual church leaders disrupted the Church of England General Synod in York today. The leaders, who are opposed to the "dominance" of homosexuals in the Church, pushed their way onto the stage and spoke at length about the evils of excluding "straights" from Church life.
"The entire Church is dominated by gay people. Every aspect of what we do is designed to make straights feel uncomfortable, right down to the poncey clothes we have to wear," ranted the Rev Douglas Ramsbottom of the campaign group "Just because we're religious it doesn't mean we're gay". "Your ears are deaf and your eyes are blind. You do not witness the suffering of straight people. How do you think we feel being made to wear dresses just so we can be a part of the Church?"
The Rev Ramsbottom then went on to criticise the Archbishop of Canterbury, Dr Rowan Atkinson. "You!" he shouted, turning to the former Blackadder star, "Just because you played the quite obviously gay Mr Bean it doesn't mean you can exclude straight people from the Church. As Edmund Blackadder you made many jokes ridiculing gay people: you are guilty of having double standards. This duplicity has to end."
Other members of the campaign group then turned on Dr Robbie Williams. "Are you a true Christian?" one asked. "In one of your sermons you said we had stars directing our fate. It is not stars but God who is in control of our lives. They may be selling razor blades and mirrors in the street, but you are more concerned with us letting you entertain us than a sensible theological debate about a serious issue. You are not a man for all seasons: the Church has come undone, but we can still feel real love. I know that it's not too late."
After being initially speechless, Dr Robin Williams attempted to reply to the onslaught against him. "If there's one thing I learnt from my role in Mrs Doubtfire, it's that just because a man is wearing a dress it doesn't mean he is gay. There can be legitimate reasons for cross-dressing and this is one of them," he said. "Perhaps this will be a wake-up call to Anglicans everywhere: a sort of Good Morning, Vietnam, if you like. We can't stay young forever, as I found out in Hook, and sooner or later we may be expelled to the jungle of world religions if we play the Jumanji of theology wrong. Missing two turns may be the least of our worries."
The Archbishop was led away from the stage complaining of a headache, adding only that he was "flubbered".
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