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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Dick Cheney |
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| You feel threatened by: Home > News | 8th January |
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| Bush offers himself as special advisor to God 14 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury DeadBrain has learned that US President "Boy" George W. Bush has offered his services to God as special advisor on the Middle East and terrorism. According to a June 24th article in the Israeli newspaper Ha'aretz, Mr. Bush told Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas at their recent meeting: "God told me to strike at al Qaeda and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did, and now I am determined to solve the problem in the Middle East." Pleased with the way he is fighting global terrorism and his commitment to resolving the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, but with no further orders from God, it appears that Mr. Bush has now decided to take the initiative and begin to advise the Great Deity in his daily conversations, particularly of the next steps required for defeating terrorism and solving all Middle East issues once and for all. According to an anonymous White House source, Mr. Bush has, for the past several days, been wandering the hallways of the presidential residence alone, wearing an enigmatic smile and muttering. "From snatches we heard, it seemed as if the President might be speaking in tongues," said the source, "as none of it seemed to make any sense. So maybe he was indeed speaking to God. But of course it's sometimes hard to make sense of what he says in a normal conversation, so we're not really sure." Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III told our reporter that US Secretary of Offence Donald Rumsfeld supported Mr. Bush fully in his initiative, and would be offering some suggestions regarding new military targets, and maybe requesting a bit of divine guidance to help the occasionally unreliable guidance systems of smart bombs. Dr. Rowan Atkinson, Archbishop of Canterbury, was reported to have been rendered speechless upon learning of this development, managing only a brief "Fibble" before hiding his head in a large plucked turkey. It is not known whether Mr. Bush will be taking up residency directly with God.
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