| | Colin Powell demands attention from satirists
16 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury
US Secretary of State Colin Powell has sent an angry letter to the International Satirists' Guild alleging that he is being ignored, DeadBrain has learned.
Mr Powell complains that satirists are focussing all of their attention on US President "Boy" George W. Bush, Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney and Secretary of Offence Donald "Boom Boom" Rumsfeld.
"This is most unfair," he says in his letter. "I am also a senior member of the US administration. Why should those three get all the attention? We don't even know where Dick is. I know I am widely accepted as a voice of reason within the administration, but surely you can come up with something on me. I don't even have a decent nickname."
Our reporter spoke to US State Department spokesman Virgil K. Ramsbottom IV, who said that the Secretary of State seems quite depressed, and has taken to sitting alone in a corner of his office just staring out of the window for hours on end. "Mr. Powell feels that he is being left out of the loop in the administration," he said, "and he thinks that maybe being the butt of a bit of satire would boost his standing."
Gregory T. Mullet, spokesman for the Guild, told DeadBrain that unfortunately there is little to work on with Mr. Powell, but perhaps something could be made of the way he pronounces his first name. "Maybe a feature article on Mr. Powell's life in the army - 'Rollin' with Colin', perhaps", he mused.
Mr. Mullet said he would consider issuing a challenge to satirists to fulfil Mr. Powell's wish. "It's interesting," he went on. "We've had a similar letter from Jack Straw, who made what we think was an oblique reference to a donation to the Guild's retirement fund." He pointed out, however, that the Guild cannot be coerced by "wannabe" victims. "We have our integrity, independence and professionalism to maintain," he said, before heading to the "Cock and Bull" for four or five lunchtime pints and a pie with Mr. Straw.
Look at this, moron.
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