|News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Jacques Chirac|
|You have come across: Home > News||22nd December|
Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds
16 Jul 2003 by stcrispin
Parliament today gave approval to the Iraqi Countryside Act, an unusual measure designed to resolve in one fell swoop the thorny issues surrounding country blood sports and the failure to locate Iraqi weapons of mass destruction. As a concession to animal rights activists, the Act bans fox hunting with dogs, but, in a bow in the other direction, specifically authorizes and provides significant financial support for the use of hounds in the search for Iraqi WMD.
Fox hunting has been a particularly nettlesome problem for the Government. A substantial number of Prime Minister Blair's party members favour complete prohibition of the sport, which its supporters portray as a precious symbol of vanishing English country life. The failure to find any evidence of an Iraqi weapons program has also proven to be a serious embarrassment to the Prime Minister, who had argued that the threat posed by the weapons justified war with Iraq. Putting dogs on the trail of anthrax canisters will greatly expand the resources allocated to the hunt and allow sportsmen to continue to use their dogs in pursuit of inedible vermin.
Spokespersons for the Countryside Alliance reported that its officers are still studying the Act and had no immediate comment. A prominent member of the Dimsdell Hunt, however, was effusive in his enthusiasm. Major Sir Alistair Edmund Huffington-Wagstaff, KCB, proclaimed the Act "the greatest parliamentary accomplishment since the Toad Reform Act of 1923. I thought those chaps were just sitting around on their bums doing bugger all. Now, they've opened up a whole new hunting reserve for us. It's too bloody marvellous for words."
Although Sir Alistair's enthusiasm flagged somewhat after a quick review of the Times Atlas disclosed the location of Iraq, he still believes the Act presents a significant victory for advocates of country pursuits, providing one is prepared to disregard the country in which the pursuits occur.
"That's not the damn point, is it?" observed Sir. Alistair. "The real point is that it is an important part of our English heritage to, from time to time, take over some benighted part of the globe and turn it into a rural English paradise. Me ancestor did it Syria during the Crusades, and I'm prepared to do so, now." (The ancestor to which Sir Alistair alluded, Tancred of Bilgeburg, is noted by history for his part in pillaging Constantinople under the mistaken impression that it was in the hands of infidels. Labouring under a series of similar misunderstanding, he subsequently laid waste to Acre, Lucerne, and York.)
"The only problem," continued Sir Alistair, "apart from the beastly climate and bad drainage, is that there are always too damn many wogs about the place. Still, one can't have everything, and servants do have to come from somewhere."
At least some left-wing activists are unhappy that hounds may now be used to hunt WMD. Ms. Petulia Pertbright, a spokesperson for People for the Ethical Treatment of Atomic Weaponry (PETAW), declared that her group intends to take militant action to prevent the inhumane use of dogs to run down and destroy weapons of mass destruction.
"We got the list of all the secret Iraqi weapons sites from the Michelin Guide and our volunteers plan to lay down on the ground and barricade them with our bodies to protect them from the dogs. We may be trampled by packs of hounds, but we are prepared to make that sacrifice if necessary."
When informed that the dogs were likely to have horses galloping close behind them, Ms. Pertbright appeared visibly shaken, but declared herself undeterred. "Any one who has ever seen a thermonuclear device after it has been set upon by a pack of hounds can tell you what an appalling sight it is. The damage such a device may do cannot begin to justify the horrendous scene of carnage when savage dogs tear it to pieces."
If the use of hounds is successful in the hunt for WMD, the Government intends to introduce a separate countryside act authorizing the use of peregrine falcons as an anti-missile defence shield.
Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree
11 Apr 2007Democrats propose "cap and trade" scheme for Iraq troop levels
26 Jan 2007BREAKING NOOSE: Saddam execution - special 40-page colour souvenir only in today's Sun!
2 Jan 2007Iraq war suffers summer slump as ratings 'bomb'
14 Aug 2006Al-Zarqawi killed by blast injuries - shock
12 Jun 2006Suicide attacks in Iraq kill 37 – population critical
12 May 2006Prince Harry Potter will go to Iraq: MoD
24 Apr 2006Saddam Hussein re-instated as President of Iraq
18 Feb 2006Typo ends British army presence in Iraq
4 Jan 2006Iraq wakes up to new 'Sunni Delight' drink
20 Jul 2005US Marines surround Bethnal Green
6 May 2005US to search for WMDs in Iraq
1 Feb 2005Abuse tolerance zones planned for British soldiers
27 Jan 2005Al-Zarqawi "kicked" from Iraqi militant website
25 Nov 2004Hoon asks Iraqis not to shoot back
22 Oct 2004Comical Ali implicated in Allawi speech
24 Sep 2004Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims
24 Jun 2004Bush declassifies personal shopping list, proves did not order torture
23 Jun 2004MoD considers adequate equipment supply for British troops
8 Jun 2004New Iraq puppet government: Sooty in charge
2 Jun 2004UK troop deployment not related to election; Pope's religion questioned
30 May 2004Plans for new Bush statue to replace Saddam ruin in Baghdad
25 Apr 2004Secret US plan to turn Iraq over to Halliburton uncovered
20 Apr 2004Saddam Hussein promises Iraq truce in return for release
15 Apr 2004Pentagon hires Comical Ali to head Iraq PR
9 Apr 2004US to withdraw from Iraq, start again
8 Apr 2004One week on: Top 10 options for Saddam
22 Dec 2003
Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction
15 Dec 2003
Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards?
14 Dec 2003 17:53
Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture
14 Dec 2003 14:46
Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again
14 Dec 2003
Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort
30 Oct 2003
Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid
16 Oct 2003
Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action"
10 Oct 2003
Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence
7 Oct 2003
White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance
24 Sep 2003
Branson considering Iraq bid
22 Sep 2003
In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks
20 Sep 2003
Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything
17 Sep 2003
US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq
5 Sep 2003
US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert
2 August 2003
Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim
31 July 2003
Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead
29 Jul 2003
Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch
25 Jul 2003
Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead
23 Jul 2003
Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries
21 Jul 2003
Satire site found guilty of fabricating war report
21 Jul 2003
Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device
18 Jul 2003
Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds
16 Jul 2003
Saddam Hussein™ offers $10 million reward for Cheney
10 Jul 2003
MPs clear BBC in Iraq dossier row
7 Jul 2003
U.S. prepares ground for more liberations
6 Jul 2003
Saddam Hussein to feature in next Harry Potter novel
27 Jun 2003
Bush and Rumsfeld in card game spat
25 Jun 2003
Rumsfeld outraged at Satirists' Guild, threatens "forceful action"
23 Jun 2003
Satirists Guild calls for halt on WMD stories
22 Jun 2003
New fabricated intelligence dossier proves everything
20 Jun 2003
Greenstock appointed to Iraq post; rest of world couldn't care less
19 Jun 2003