 |
|
|
| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Hans Blix |
|
 |
|
| You accidentally discovered: Home > News | 5th July |
| |
| Bush Administration: British intelligence shows North Korea does not exist 17 Jul 2003 by stcrispin The Bush Administration rolled out its big guns today in a concerted effort to allay concerns that the rogue state of North Korea may shortly have the means to launch a nuclear strike against Japan and the western United States. In interviews with reporters, Condoleeza Rice, Colin Powell, and Donald Rumsfeld mounted a spirited defence of the President's Asia policy. Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld was particularly outspoken in decrying what he described as a "media feeding frenzy about a place that the British intelligence services do not even believe exists, for goodness sakes." When reporters pressed Mr. Rumsfeld to provide evidence to back up the claim that the British deny the existence of a country where the United Kingdom and other Commonwealth countries fought a war alongside American troops in the early 1950's, he responded: "Goodness gracious, I can't go around leaking that sort of high level intelligence. Sometimes you just have to accept things on faith." For his part, Mr Powell was more willing than Secretary Rumsfeld to provide concrete support for the non-existence of North Korea. He arrived for his interview with a portfolio of British maps and a report. Just as he and Mr. Rumsfeld claimed, none of them showed a country called North Korea. The explanations for the map omissions, however, appeared to be not necessarily consistent with the Administration's position, mainly because one would not expect to find North Korea on a Royal Motor Club map of the Pennines and a 12th century mariners' chart that, in addition to omitting the Americas and wildly exaggerating the shapes of the remaining continents, depicted most the area outside the British home waters as terra incognita. The British Asia report, entitled "Our Friends the Orientals" and authored by someone identified as "Arthur Darrowby, 4th Form, St. Botolph's School for the Manual Arts," appeared to be comprehensive in its coverage of many Asian countries and, indeed, included nothing about North Korea, although it did have a brief discussion of a place called "the two Correas, N. & S." When pressed to explain why he was relying upon such dubious information, Mr. Powell claimed that CIA chief George Tenet had specifically reviewed and approved their use. Mr. Tenet later admitted showing Mr. Powell that it was impossible to get Mapquest driving directions from Washington, DC to any place in North Korea, but conceded that he had not actually looked at Mr. Powell's maps or the British Asia report. "So I guess this is all my fault, too," said Mr. Tenet. "Boy, I tell you, I've fallen on so many swords lately I'm starting to feel like the last act of Hamlet." Ms. Rice subsequently explained that, although Mr. Powell's sources were not as helpful as the Administration might have liked, there was still no reason to believe that, if the British Secret Service were provided with the same information, it would not conclude that North Korean did not exist. "Look, I just don't see what the big deal is here, anyway," said Ms. Rice. "We toppled Saddam before he had a chance to unleash any weapons of mass destruction – and maybe before the idea even occurred to him. Even if we missed one or two nuclear programs in places like North Korea, you can't expect to win them all. And, besides, most of the U.S. population is well out of reach of North Korean missiles and by the time Secretary of Interior Norton is finished with her development plans for the western wilderness areas, it will look pretty much like they'd been hit by a nuclear bomb anyway. So chill out and think about all those happy Iraqis we liberated." A spokesperson for Prime Minister Tony Blair refused for reasons of security to discuss any MI6 reports on North Korea, but did observe that "at this point the only countries the PM is prepared to wish did not exist are Iraq and the United States."
|
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| |
| Copyright ©2001-2006 DeadBrain. All rights reserved violently. | Disclaimer | Privacy Policy | Sheep |