| | Blair wows Congress; wins American Kennel Club best in show
18 Jul 2003 by stcrispin
Tony Blair was accorded the rare privilege and honour of addressing a joint session of both houses of the United States Congress yesterday and, judging from the reaction of his distinguished audience, he made the most of it. The Prime Minister was interrupted no fewer than 27 times by sustained applause and standing ovations, although it was somewhat difficult for objective observers to determine precisely what had excited the admiration of his audience, insofar as his entire speech was delivered in a series of arfs, barks, and gruffs, with the occasional guttural growl (evidently directed against critics of the war) and excited yips (apparently referring to owner and master President "Boy" George Bush).
Notwithstanding a language barrier that might have daunted lesser speakers, the PM held Congress in the palm of his paw from the very beginning. By the time Mr. Blair reached his concluding performance of the ability to fetch, roll over and play dead, there was not a Congressperson on the premises who did not want to take him home for the kids.
Later that same day, the American Kennel Club, the oldest and most distinguished of the U.S. organizations devoted to the development of pure breeds, awarded him its coveted "Best in Show" prize. However, according to handler and trainer Douglas P. Ramsbottom OBE the AKC triumph was a close-run thing. "The damn fools had him down as a poodle. Absolutely ridiculous. He's British for Godssake, not some kind of Frenchy what-have-you. Henry V didn't massacre several thousand French prisoners at Agincourt in order to have some bloody colonial clot call the leader of Her Majesty's Government a frog dog."
Mr. Ramsbottom did acknowledge that the poodle canard has enjoyed widespread circulation on internet satire sites, such as those operated by the Daily Telegraph and Times of London, and that fixing Mr. Blair's exact breed has been a somewhat difficult process. "Not a foxhound, obviously. More of a lapdog, really. He reminds me most of a Corgi, but Buck House won't go for that. You'd think they owned the patent on the bloody things."
Ultimately, the AKC was persuaded to classify Mr. Blair as a "(House of) Common(s) Terrier", one of the less well-known of the toy breeds. After that he had only to romp home for the grand prize, triumphing over half a dozen oddly configured animals whose common appellation as "Belgian" apparently reflects that country's preoccupation with whiling away the interludes between German invasions with bizarre canine experimentation.
Thankfully for Mr. Blair, the unfortunate incident of the soiling of the Chief Judge's trouser leg occurred after prizes were awarded. He is now on a visit to Japan, but is expected to be back at his old stand in the House in September, once he has cleared quarantine.
This looks good...
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