|News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Ann Widdecombe|
|You are drifting somewhere near: Home > News||30th January|
Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device
18 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury
US President "Boy" George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair continued to insist that Iraq has - or had - chemical and biological weapons, and quite possibly a nuclear programme. Speaking at their recent joint press conference at the White House, both reaffirmed their confidence that the weapons will eventually be found. However, the ongoing spectacular failure of US and British troops in Iraq to actually find the weapons is a source of embarrassment to both leaders.
That failure may have a surprising and simple explanation, according to Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III.
"We are absolutely convinced that Iraq developed biological and chemical weapons - the evidence and intelligence is simply overwhelming," Mr. Ramsbottom III said at a press conference earlier today, "but it is perplexing that we have not yet been able to find any. We did think we'd found one type of WMD but it turned out to be a hoax, probably perpetrated by the French."
"But new CIA intelligence has indicated that Saddam Hussein™ is a great fan of Star Trek," he went on, "and we now believe he was inspired by that to develop a cloaking device. We can't think of anything else to explain why we can't find the WMD that we are just certain are there. It has to be some kind of technology that we don't know about."
"Remember," he continued, "the Middle East is an area that has historically developed technologies that the West still does not have, such as flying carpets."
Asked what measures the US government proposed to deal with this unexpected development Mr. Ramsbottom III dodged the question, citing security concerns, but indicated that action would indeed be taken.
However, later in the day US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld was more forthcoming. "Are we going to sit back and do nothing?" he asked reporters rhetorically. "Of course not", he answered, not rhetorically. "The President has instructed our top scientists to begin work at once on a US cloaking device programme, with a high priority on finding a way to defeat Iraq's cloaking device. Good grief, the USA can't allow a cloaking device gap! Or a flying carpet gap."
"Oh, and those cheese-eating Frenchies had better not mess with us again," he added, meaningfully.
DeadBrain asked Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the University of Bootle for his assessment of the possibility of cloaking devices.
"Why not?" he said, "anything is possible in the field of hyper quantum dynamics. It's what we call the Strawberry Fields effect - nothing is real, the logical converse of which is everything is unreal. Who can tell, a cloaking device might just be the intersection of reality and unreality."
"Certainly, Israel has very successfully hidden its weapons of mass destruction, including its nuclear capability," he added, "so some form of cloaking device seems to be well within the realms of possibility."
Baghdad cat gets stuck up tree
11 Apr 2007Democrats propose "cap and trade" scheme for Iraq troop levels
26 Jan 2007BREAKING NOOSE: Saddam execution - special 40-page colour souvenir only in today's Sun!
2 Jan 2007Iraq war suffers summer slump as ratings 'bomb'
14 Aug 2006Al-Zarqawi killed by blast injuries - shock
12 Jun 2006Suicide attacks in Iraq kill 37 – population critical
12 May 2006Prince Harry Potter will go to Iraq: MoD
24 Apr 2006Saddam Hussein re-instated as President of Iraq
18 Feb 2006Typo ends British army presence in Iraq
4 Jan 2006Iraq wakes up to new 'Sunni Delight' drink
20 Jul 2005US Marines surround Bethnal Green
6 May 2005US to search for WMDs in Iraq
1 Feb 2005Abuse tolerance zones planned for British soldiers
27 Jan 2005Al-Zarqawi "kicked" from Iraqi militant website
25 Nov 2004Hoon asks Iraqis not to shoot back
22 Oct 2004Comical Ali implicated in Allawi speech
24 Sep 2004Exclusive: Tape casts doubt on Bush's "no torture" claims
24 Jun 2004Bush declassifies personal shopping list, proves did not order torture
23 Jun 2004MoD considers adequate equipment supply for British troops
8 Jun 2004New Iraq puppet government: Sooty in charge
2 Jun 2004UK troop deployment not related to election; Pope's religion questioned
30 May 2004Plans for new Bush statue to replace Saddam ruin in Baghdad
25 Apr 2004Secret US plan to turn Iraq over to Halliburton uncovered
20 Apr 2004Saddam Hussein promises Iraq truce in return for release
15 Apr 2004Pentagon hires Comical Ali to head Iraq PR
9 Apr 2004US to withdraw from Iraq, start again
8 Apr 2004One week on: Top 10 options for Saddam
22 Dec 2003
Bush hails downfall of Sauron, asks for UN aid for Mordor reconstruction
15 Dec 2003
Bush: Ever noticed how all evil people have beards?
14 Dec 2003 17:53
Tony Blair's reaction to Saddam Hussein's capture
14 Dec 2003 14:46
Coalition: Saddam captured, will never buy weapons from us again
14 Dec 2003
Bush, Rumsfeld in Halloween video campaign for Iraqi war effort
30 Oct 2003
Bush appeals directly to Europeans for Iraq aid
16 Oct 2003
Bush upset over Nobel Peace Prize, promises "decisive action"
10 Oct 2003
Guantanamo Bay interpreters suspected of Comical Ali influence
7 Oct 2003
White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance
24 Sep 2003
Branson considering Iraq bid
22 Sep 2003
In Brief: Leaders find common ground in Iraq talks
20 Sep 2003
Cheney look-alike blames Saddam Hussein™ for everything
17 Sep 2003
US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq
5 Sep 2003
US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert
2 August 2003
Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim
31 July 2003
Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead
29 Jul 2003
Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch
25 Jul 2003
Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead
23 Jul 2003
Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries
21 Jul 2003
Satire site found guilty of fabricating war report
21 Jul 2003
Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device
18 Jul 2003
Parliament approves hunting for WMD with hounds
16 Jul 2003
Saddam Hussein™ offers $10 million reward for Cheney
10 Jul 2003
MPs clear BBC in Iraq dossier row
7 Jul 2003
U.S. prepares ground for more liberations
6 Jul 2003
Saddam Hussein to feature in next Harry Potter novel
27 Jun 2003
Bush and Rumsfeld in card game spat
25 Jun 2003
Rumsfeld outraged at Satirists' Guild, threatens "forceful action"
23 Jun 2003
Satirists Guild calls for halt on WMD stories
22 Jun 2003
New fabricated intelligence dossier proves everything
20 Jun 2003
Greenstock appointed to Iraq post; rest of world couldn't care less
19 Jun 2003