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Pentagon: OK, so maybe the Iraqis had a cloaking device
18 Jul 2003 by Malcolm Drury
US President "Boy" George W. Bush and British Prime Minister Tony Blair continued to insist that Iraq has - or had - chemical and biological weapons, and quite possibly a nuclear programme. Speaking at their recent joint press conference at the White House, both reaffirmed their confidence that the weapons will eventually be found. However, the ongoing spectacular failure of US and British troops in Iraq to actually find the weapons is a source of embarrassment to both leaders.
That failure may have a surprising and simple explanation, according to Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III.
"We are absolutely convinced that Iraq developed biological and chemical weapons - the evidence and intelligence is simply overwhelming," Mr. Ramsbottom III said at a press conference earlier today, "but it is perplexing that we have not yet been able to find any. We did think we'd found one type of WMD but it turned out to be a hoax, probably perpetrated by the French."
"But new CIA intelligence has indicated that Saddam Hussein™ is a great fan of Star Trek," he went on, "and we now believe he was inspired by that to develop a cloaking device. We can't think of anything else to explain why we can't find the WMD that we are just certain are there. It has to be some kind of technology that we don't know about."
"Remember," he continued, "the Middle East is an area that has historically developed technologies that the West still does not have, such as flying carpets."
Asked what measures the US government proposed to deal with this unexpected development Mr. Ramsbottom III dodged the question, citing security concerns, but indicated that action would indeed be taken.
However, later in the day US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld was more forthcoming. "Are we going to sit back and do nothing?" he asked reporters rhetorically. "Of course not", he answered, not rhetorically. "The President has instructed our top scientists to begin work at once on a US cloaking device programme, with a high priority on finding a way to defeat Iraq's cloaking device. Good grief, the USA can't allow a cloaking device gap! Or a flying carpet gap."
"Oh, and those cheese-eating Frenchies had better not mess with us again," he added, meaningfully.
DeadBrain asked Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the University of Bootle for his assessment of the possibility of cloaking devices.
"Why not?" he said, "anything is possible in the field of hyper quantum dynamics. It's what we call the Strawberry Fields effect - nothing is real, the logical converse of which is everything is unreal. Who can tell, a cloaking device might just be the intersection of reality and unreality."
"Certainly, Israel has very successfully hidden its weapons of mass destruction, including its nuclear capability," he added, "so some form of cloaking device seems to be well within the realms of possibility."
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