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| You don't remotely resemble: Home > News | 14th October |
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| Powell releases rap song, loses "sane" tag 24 Jul 2003 by Flint Stone Colin Powell, who has for years been referred to as the "sane one" in the Bush administration, made headlines across the US yesterday following the revelation that he is to release a rap song. The song, which it is hoped will "reconnect" Powell with America's ethnic communities, has already roped in such heavy-hitting artists as Snow, Eminem, Peter Andre, and Jay-Z - who has now confirmed he will feature in the track provided at least one cinematic musical is "sampled extensively" therein - the artist is believed to favour "something from 'Mary Poppins'." The project is expected to be completed in mid August with a singles release pencilled in for late September across the globe. While Colin Powell's camp are optimistic, response elsewhere has so far been incredulous.
"Rap keeps it real. We be just rapping on street corners wit our hoes, man, me and Tunbridge massive, you get me? We're sick of fake heads bumping up in our set and lickin off, man. And we don't want no bumbo-clat five-oh and politicians busting up in our joint, man. No fakes. Colin Powell isn't even black, man does he realise how ridiculous he looks?" Response has been equally icy in Republican circles. "I knew there was something funny about that one. I knew he talked some liberal, commie, sharing, pinko claptrap - but I never in my wildest dreams thought it extended so far as being black," ranted Donald 'Rummy' Rumsfeld, to a live press conference, "and strictly off the record I sometimes think we should round-up all these pinko, commie blacks and just send them all back to Russia." Furthermore, The White House has received several high-level complaints about Powell's recent "blinging" in Congress, his interrupting other speakers with "Stop - HammerTime," and his repeated reference to Secretary of Education, Rod Paige, as "my nigga". Attention has also been drawn to an "excessive use of simile". Powell's spokesmen, David (pronounced 'Dah - vyde') Mills, spoke exclusively to DeadBrain. "Colin thought it would be a nice way to embrace his black heritage. It's not hypocrisy, he loves rap. It's a little-known fact that he has everything Vanilla Ice ever made. And only the other morning I found him wearing baggy trousers and jumping around his office to MC Hammer's 'Can't touch this'. "When he's not in the public eye, he's always wearing baseball caps, a string vest, baggy jeans and a myriad of gold chains and medallions. He says he feels more comfortable like that, and it's quite a sight I can tell you! I have some photos if you want." European satirists are sceptical of Powell's antics with Jean-Luc Mullét of popular French website CerveauMort, claiming that it is merely a ruse intended to raise Powell's "comedic profile" in European satire. "Mister Powell is well respected in France. We think he is good, yes? Not, how you say, a Dick-wad like Cheney. But this is not so good for him that we don't make joke of him, like for example, we do with Bush, or as we say, le chimp de monde. We think this rap it is a big trick, you know, to make him look foolish. So that we especially, but also you and others will poke fun more with him." Greg T Mullet of DeadBrain claims that this confirms intelligence he has received regarding Powell's faked international buffoonery, adding: "Only an idiot would satirise Powell now it is so clearly playing right into his clammy little hands."
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