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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Donald Rumsfeld |
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| You just walked into: Home > News | 14th October |
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| Queen dissolves Parliament, announces absolute monarchy 24 Jul 2003 by stcrispin Apparently angered by the government's hapless handling of the several crises that have recently beset it, Her Royal Highness Elizabeth II today dissolved Parliament, dismissed Tony Blair as Prime Minister, and declared that the United Kingdom "shall henceforth be an absolute monarchy answerable to God only and deferring to no man or institution made by man, including those limitations set forth in that document signed by our revered ancestor in 1215 and commonly known as the Great Charter." The Queen's revocation of Magna Carta is believed to be the first time an English monarch has reneged on a constitutional obligation since the Glorious Revolution. The formal declaration issued by Buckingham Palace was followed by the Queen's appearance on national television to explain the reasons for her actions. Viewers accustomed to Her Majesty's somewhat formal, and wholly unenthusiastic, delivery of her annual Christmas speech, were without a doubt startled by her animated, indeed almost giddy, performance today. Wearing her royal robes of state, with her crown set at a particularly jaunty angle, the madcap monarch spoke for some four and a half hours, occasionally repeating herself, and pausing often to refresh herself from a small silver flask at her elbow, even, by the end of the broadcast, offering sips to various off-camera stage assistants. During her address, she heaped particular scorn upon Mr. Blair, referring to him as "poodle-boy," and alluding somewhat vaguely to an unfortunate episode in which it appears that the PM slipped off his lead and bit one of the royal Corgis. According to Her Majesty, she decided to launch the Windsor Revolution when it became evident to her that Mr. Blair lacked the confidence of the country and that the "Silly Raving Tory Party" lacked any leaders even of his greatly diminished stature. "And I thought, what'll I do and then I thought, I'll do anything I damn well like. I'm mean, look, I'm the bloody Queen, your Good Queen Bess, Deuce. Who's got the Life Guards? Me, not the poodle boy. What's he got? A bobby outside Number 10. Remind me to tell you later about the time I had to have one of the Corgis put down after he visited. Anyway, I decided to send his whole lot packing. That'll teach him. And, oh yes, my husband and I also think this will really be quite good for the country, all in all. So, please be sure to turn all your clocks back to 1214, because that's where we're all going to be living from now on. Drinky drink, Reggie?" The clock comment appeared to be a slight exaggeration, because, while some of the new policies outlined by Her Majesty, such as perpetual war with France, appear to be consistent with an early 13th century vision of the English monarchy, others are decidedly more modern. For example, Her Majesty announced the re-annexation of all present and former Commonwealth countries and colonies as part of her re-establishment of the British Empire. And, as the Queen wryly noted, the Empire will thus acquire nuclear weapons programs in India, Pakistan, and the former United States, which should give considerable pause to "that squinty little midget in North Korea" and ensure lasting peace in that region, once China resumes the opium trade. However, some of Her Majesty's other objectives may be more difficult to achieve. It is uncertain, for example, how she intends to reconstitute the Hanseatic League and Holy Roman Empire in order to engage in diplomatic intrigues against the Pope. Once it sank in that they would never have to deal with Mr. Blair or, indeed, any politician, ever again, the British people generally reacted with relief at the Queen's actions, provided that the Prince of Wales never gets put in charge. The response from the colonies was more muted, although Colonial Governor General George W Bush was reportedly pleased that the required conversion to the old shillings, pence, and pound system would likely make his budget deficits look somewhat less ghastly. Meanwhile, on the continent, the French government attempted to surrender to a British tourist photographing the Eiffel Tower and, when rebuffed, fled to Avignon, where a rump convention of French cardinals elected an anti-pope loyal to the Bourbons.
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