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Asylum Crisis

Government outlines new citizenship test
The Home Office today outlined its proposed Citizen Test for immigrants who wish to become British subjects. Under the new guidelines, people applying for citizenship will be expected to pass a "Britishness test" on practical aspects of life in the UK and its institutions.

The Britishness test will consist of a number of key tasks that the applicant will have to perform to a given level of competence. These include conversational skills such as complaining about the weather and the price of things "these days". Applicants will be expected to display sufficient verbal dexterity to be able to seamlessly switch to complaining about the weather being too hot, despite having complained about it being too cold half an hour earlier.

Would-be immigrants must also demonstrate a rudimentary grasp of the British Parliamentary system. It has been suggested that they should display the same grasp of politics as an average 30-year-old British male. This would involve them learning that "there's these people that you can, like, vote for but it never makes any difference so what's the point." They would also be expected to ignore every other general election and be completely unaware of the existence of local elections.

British social customs will also be included in the tests, with those taking part expected to know about "the footy" and "stuff on the telly". An ability to drink at least ten pints and then consume a kebab that resembles an engorged intestine would be looked upon favourably by the judging panel.

Knowledge of British current affairs is also seen as a key issue with applicants expected to be able to name the current British Leader (George W Bush) and be able to justify at least one of the last three wars Britain has been involved in. They will also expected to give the number of adulterous relationships currently ongoing in British soap operas to the nearest dozen.

Successful applicants will be granted citizenship in a ceremony presided over by their local mayor. They will be presented with a toasted scone and invited to join the assembled group in trying to remember at least two verses of the national anthem.

In line with other testing in England and Wales, league tables are to be published annually showing the best and worst local authorities and the entire system is to be criticised, found to be too easy and scrapped within a few years.

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