| | Blogger shocked to find he has no real friends
30 Jul 2003 by Flash Gorman
Habitual online blogger Pete Jones was recently shocked to find that despite having dozens of virtual acquaintances, he was in fact friendless. This sad fact was revealed during a recent house move when a call for assistance resulted in a no show for his online chums.
Explains Pete: "I've been using the Internet for years. At first it was just for masturbation and ordering snack foods without having to go into the daylight, but I started to get into online gaming and gradually built up a network of friends. Of course I've never actually met any of them but I'd always thought I could count on them".
Sadly, Pete's illusions were shattered when he put a request on his blog for some assistance in moving apartment. "I was having to move to an apartment with wider doors and I thought I could save a few bucks by getting my friends to help," said the clearly distressed friendless gimp. "I couldn't believe it when no-one showed up".
After further probing by Pete he discovered that whilst some of his "friends" had good excuses, "apparently 'DreamWalker' is on an iron lung in Canada and 'HappyBoy' turned out to be a mainframe at a Japanese university – the others clearly were reluctant to make the transition from virtual friend to real friend".
After being forced to pay a removal firm, Pete is clearly an older and wiser person. "I've learnt my lesson and realised its time I got some real friends," he said.
Being initially sceptical that Pete would manage to put his words into action we were delighted to hear that he has begun stalking top film star Julia Roberts. "It's been amazing," beamed our rotund subject, "she's already put out two injunctions and I'm forbidden to watch her films whilst she's on the same continent as me. You try telling me she's not taking an interest."
How cool is this?
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