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Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim
31 July 2003 by Malcolm Drury
US president "Boy" George W. Bush has accepted personal responsibility for citing an unfounded claim that the regime of failed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein™ tried to obtain uranium from Niger for its so far undiscovered nuclear weapons programme.
"I take personal responsibility for everything I say, absolutely," the president said at a White House press conference, when asked if he took responsibility for the inaccuracy in his speech to the American people earlier this year. "I will never assume the restraint and goodwill of dangerous enemies when lives of our citizens are at work. And I know how hard it is to put food on your family," he added.
Mr Bush is the third, and most senior, person to accept blame for citing the bogus report. First was CIA Director George Tenet, followed by Deputy National Security Adviser Stephen Hadley. Immediately following Mr. Bush's admission, Colin Powell, the US Secretary of State, jumped up and shouted "No, I'm to blame, and so is my wife".
The White House's strategy appears to be to defuse the issue by confusing further an already confused American electorate as to who said what, to whom, and why. America is in the middle of the holiday and baseball season so the public is already preoccupied with other, more pressing matters. It is hoped that with the confusion they will forget that Mr. Bush used the bogus claim as part of his justification for the US-led invasion to liberate Iraq and its oil.
National Security Council advisor Condoleeza Rice is expected to be next to take a turn, and she will be followed by Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld.
According to White House spokesperson Mildred K. Ramsbottom, it is not known if Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney will take his turn. "The problem is we still don't know where he is," she said. "We did send the FBI to Foggy Hollow, Virginia, after the last reported sighting of him, but he was either never there or he had moved on."
It is anticipated that Mr. Bush will ask British Prime Minister Tony "Woof Woof" Blair and his colleagues and officials to take turns at accepting blame once all the important officials in the US administration have taken theirs (with the probable exception of Mr. Cheney). As a contingency plan, should Mr. Blair refuse (which is considered highly unlikely), Mr. Bush is apparently considering asking ordinary Americans to take a turn. "It would only be for a few days each," said Ms. Ramsbottom, "and I'm sure every patriotic American would be willing."
In related news, during his press conference Mr. Bush again stated his confidence that a US search in Iraq will eventually confirm that Mr. Saddam had a weapons programme. DeadBrain has learned that US marines have recently uncovered a large number of stink bombs, potato guns and peashooters in a joke shop in Baghdad. CIA officials are considering citing these as clear evidence of the widespread availability in Iraq of chemical and biological weapons.