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US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert
2 August 2003 by Malcolm Drury
US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld told reporters at a hastily convened press conference at the Pentagon this morning that what appears to be the entire armed forces of failed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein™ have been found buried in the desert at a disused air base west of Baghdad.
Earlier reports had referred to "dozens" of buried aircraft, but, according to Mr. Rumsfeld, it now turns out they were just the tip of the iceberg. CIA agents had previously speculated that weapons of mass destruction, including equipment from Iraq's alleged nuclear programme, had been buried prior to the US-led liberation of Iraq, but no-one had considered the possibility that the country's entire army, air force and navy had been interred.
"Jumpin' Jehosophat," said Mr. Rumsfeld, "it's not just planes. There are gosh darn tanks, armoured vehicles, field guns, at least two battleships and what appears to be the stern of an aircraft carrier buried in the sand. Things we had no idea Saddam had. And soldiers! Criminy, there are even soldiers down there, thousands of them, living in an underground complex!"
"Does this vindicate us?" he continued. "You bet it does. We have always said that Saddam posed a threat to America and Middle East security. This just shows the extent of that threat. OK, so we haven't found any WMDs as such, but gee willikers, with this load of weaponry just waiting to be uncovered and used the threat to the USA would have been just as great, if not greater. And who knows what else we will uncover there."
Asked by a reporter if photographic or some other kind of clear evidence would be made public, Mr. Rumsfeld asked tersely for the next question, motioning to military police to remove the reporter.
Another reporter asked why, given satellite technology that has been used for many years by archaeologists to "see" buried structures, had the US failed to detect the evidence of such massive burials, even the "dozens" of planes. He too was whisked away, and Mr. Rumsfeld abruptly left his podium, glaring at the remaining reporters.
Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III later apologised for Mr. Rumsfeld's abruptness, saying that the Secretary of Offence was tired and stressed and had gone for an aspirin, and promised to release evidence "as soon as we have processed it".
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