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Government introduces explosive new anti-smoking measures
6 Aug 2003 by Flash Gorman
Britain's smokers were wheezing in a semi-animated state yesterday at the Department of Nannying's latest way of scaring them off their beloved cigarettes. In what is described as a "kill or cure" approach, the Department is planning to install explosive charges in every tenth packet of cigarettes. A spokesman refused to be drawn on the amount of explosives they intended to use but hinted that it would "do you no favours at all when it goes off in your face".
In tandem with the exploding packets the Department is also planning to ban smoking in all places apart from morgues. It envisaged a series of smoking chambers where cigarettes are first dipped in the diseased organs of a smoking victim before being handed to its intended consumer.
Other tactics include increasing the tax on cigarettes from its present level of 99 percent and banning all anecdotes about "my granddad" who "smoked 100 a day and lived to be 150 years old".
Predictably many smokers are undeterred by these later tactics. The DeadBrain office forty a day girl, Edith Ramsbottom, said that she may find smoking a cigarette dripping with diseased blood " a bit distasteful" but pointed out that "it's my only pleasure in life".
The Department of Nannying says it will give the new tactics a number of months before unveiling its ultimate weapon – pictures of Keith Floyd on every packet.
Go on, have a look at this...
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