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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Prince Charles |
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| You smell better than: Home > News | 11th February |
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Disney in take-over bid for Royal Family 8 Aug 2003 by Malcolm Drury DeadBrain has uncovered a proposal by the Walt Disney Corporation to take over the Royal Family. Our investigative reporter, visiting Euro Disney to report on its financial woes, found documents describing the plan in the skip where he had been sleeping off a long night of investigation. It appears that Disney is ready to abandon continental Europe and focus on Britain by attempting to take over that most British of establishments, the Royal Family. Speaking on the condition of strict confidentiality, Prince Edward confirmed that the Family is negotiating with the Disney Corporation. "Mummy is still really miffed at the Bean Report," he told us, "and she thinks this might be the best way to protect us against its being forced on us. Both sides would win. According to Disney's officials Euro Disney is failing because the French don't understand it, the Germans don't have a sense of humour to appreciate it and the Belgians are... well, they're Belgian." "On the other hand, the British love both Disney and us," he continued, "so for Disney it makes perfect sense to take us into their fold. And for us it would mean Mr. Bean couldn't touch us. We'd want to retain all the houses and things, of course, and we're negotiating to get the Royal Yacht reinstated. We're also asking for a cut from the merchandise, like Prince Charles key rings, plastic Queen Elizabeths, Prince Philip mugs and such." "And we have made it clear that we would not be willing to go on parade twice a day in the front courtyard of Buck House," he added. "Once a week in peak tourist period perhaps, but that would be all". Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, a constitutional expert at the University of Bootle, and chairman of the Campaign for Real Britain, told our reporter that in his opinion this was the thin edge of the wedge. "Look what Disney has done to other venerable British institutions like Robin Hood and Winnie-the-Pooh – reduced to cartoon characters with American accents. Do we really want a cartoon version of Her Majesty chewing gum and saying ‘Gee whiz'?" However, according to the documents unearthed in the French skip, Disney does not intend to make a cartoon film of the Royal Family. Instead, it proposes a series of films in which Mike Myers will play all the interesting royals, portraying Her Majesty as a slightly bemused but well-meaning lady with a faint German accent, Prince Charles as an eccentric gardener, and Prince Philip as a loveable rogue prone to verbal faux pas. Prince Philip, however, is reported to have said he would rather go live in China than be owned by Disney "even if it does mean I become squinty-eyed".
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