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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · John Prescott |
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| You just walked into: Home > News | 11th February |
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Blair asks entire cabinet to apologise for everything 11 Aug 2003 by Malcolm Drury DeadBrain has received an exclusive copy of a tape of an alleged telephone call from Prime Minister Blair, apparently intended for Jack Straw but mis-dialled, asking Mr. Straw to begin preparations for every member of Cabinet to apologise publicly for everything as soon as possible. The telephone call was actually received today by the office of the alleged Iain "Duncan" Smith, leader of the Conservative Party, and was recorded on their answering machine as no-one was in at the time. Upon later hearing the message, an assistant to Mr Duncan Smith passed a copy of the tape to DeadBrain. The voice on the tape is clearly that of someone who is distraught and pre-occupied, which might explain the apparent mis-dialling. "Hi Jack, it's me," begins the message, in a noticeably shaky voice, with what appears to be the sound of seagulls in the background. "If you're there, pick up. Jack? Euan, put that down! Look, I don't have my address book with me so I hope I've got the right number. I've just been reading the paper – all I can get here are the bloody Telegraph and Mail – and it seems like things are in a bigger mess than ever with this Kelly enquiry. Euan, will you put that bottle down?" "Look, Jack," the voice continues, "let me just say that they'll be blaming us for high temperatures and slow trains and everything else. I believe that with every sinew, every fibre of my body. We'd better just issue a blanket apology for everything that's happened in the past few months, so get everybody to start working on theirs ready for when I get back. Euan, if you don't put that bloody bottle down I'll throttle you." Voice recognition expert Professor Douglas Ramsbottom, of the University of Bootle, told our reporter that he is 98% certain that the voice on the tape is indeed that of Mr. Blair. "Although the speaker is obviously upset the turn of phrase and inflexions are very distinct," he said, "and they are highly characteristic of the Prime Minister." If verified, this tape would indicate a major shift for Mr. Blair, who has so far resisted all calls to apologise for anything, being convinced that each and every statement he and his government have ever made, with the exception of anything said by Clare Short and Robin Cook, would be vindicated. DeadBrain was unable to get a comment from Mr. Duncan Smith's office as everyone had gone home for the day.
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