Students celebrate meaningless and irrelevant exam results
14 Aug 2003
Thousands of A-level students received their exam results today and pass-rates were again at record levels, prompting a wide assortment of people who wanted to get their faces on the television to instantly criticise the results. "The fact that more students are getting good grades than ever is proof that standards are getting lower," said Rent-a-Rant proprietor and professor of something irrelevant Gregory T Mullet. "Now, more than ever, it is imperative that we criticise those who do ‘well' and praise the failures in our society. Those are the ones who got the results they deserved – the so-called ‘able' students only got their high grades because their exams were too easy. The poor students got their bad grades because they're genuinely retarded."
Douglas Ramsbottom, a professor of Gregory T Mullet Studies at the University of Bootle, was only too happy to criticise the increased take-up of "easy" subjects. "There are far too many people taking up easy subjects like English and History where all you have to do is read a few books or watch Simon Sharma on the television. There are much more complicated and in-depth subjects than this and yet few people take them," he commented. "For example, it amazes me that only one person in the whole of England took an A-level in David Beckham Studies and that person – David Beckham - failed it. I think that shows just how difficult the subject is."
As the Sun reported, there was also a "scandal" surrounding the amount of help teachers are giving students to "play the system". "Ridiculously, many teachers are helping their students get the top grades by actually teaching them things that are useful for their exams," wrote one outraged hack. "Business leaders say that this is making the already easy exam system so easy that even teenagers are able to navigate it. The result is that the exams are almost worthless."
There were further complaints about so-called "grade inflation". None of the major political parties have dared comment on this year's exam results, perhaps out of fear of a student backlash, but a source close to Education Secretary Charles Clarke told DeadBrain that grade inflation was over the treasury's 2.5% target but that prudence in education spending would quickly drive it down.
A-level students have meanwhile attempted to celebrate their successes, no matter how meaningless or irrelevant they apparently are. "The last two years of my life have been a complete waste of time and all the hard work I put in was pointless. This piece of paper saying I'm one of the top students in the country means nothing to me and will do me no good in the future," commented one student celebrating his results. "Cheers."
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