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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Cameron |
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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 18th March |
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 Government to extend the requirements for wearing protective clothing 15 Aug 2003 by Malcolm Drury Brussels eurocrats are close to completing new health and safety requirements for the protection of the public, and the UK government already has draft legislation to introduce them, DeadBrain has learned. The legislation will involve a massive expansion of the mandate of the UK Health and Safety Executive. HSE spokesman Douglas Ramsbottom told our reporter that the principal aspect will be a requirement to wear protective headgear and steel-toed boots for all activities deemed dangerous by the Executive. "We will be moving well beyond our current health and safety responsibilities, such as nuclear installations, mines, factories, farms, hospitals and schools," he said, "and much more into people's private lives, which are not currently adequately regulated." According to Mr. Ramsbottom, the HSE has developed an extensive list of activities that will require the wearing of hard hats and protective footwear. They include all outside children's games and some indoor games of a potentially boisterous nature, such as postman's knock, all professional and amateur sports, dancing, shopping during the January sales, using shopping trolleys at any time, any activity where there is a danger of falling asleep and banging one's head, such as watching parliamentary debates on television, and "outside activities of a deeply personal nature". Asked to explain the latter, Mr. Ramsbottom said that the incidence of injuries caused by people falling from the back of parked cars at moments of enhanced passion has increased by 500% over the past three years, from one to five. "At such moments it is easy to open a door inadvertently and fall out, particularly from a hatchback", he said. Mr. Ramsbottom revealed that HSE inspectors, with power to search and arrest, will be appointed to enforce the new legislation. They will be backed up by an extensive network of dedicated TV cameras. We asked health service Ombudsperson Ann Abraham for her opinion of this new legislation. "I'm all for it," she said, speaking by phone from the Ombudscar. "Anything that improves the Ombudstatistics will have my blessing." In related news, the revelation that British children are to an increasing extent dropping the harder A-level subjects such as science, mathematics and English and instead taking courses in soft areas such as psychology and social studies means that Britons can probably expect much more of this kind of thing in the future. Related Articles Outrage over Brussels "straight railways" plan 10 Aug 2003 Suicide bombers call for better working conditions 7 Aug 2003 SPECIAL REPORT: New EU constitution will mean end of life as we know it 27 May 2003 Eurovision: Resignations demanded over UK performance 25 May 2003 Eurovision: German entry proves country does have sense of humour 25 May 2003
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