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| You are sitting on: Home > News | 11th February |
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Government unhappy at low terrorist threat ranking 19 Aug 2003 by Malcolm Drury A highly-placed Whitehall source, speaking on the condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain today that the Prime Minister is very unhappy at the UK being ranked lower than countries such as the USA, Colombia, Israel and Pakistan for its vulnerability to a terrorist attack The ranking, based on a risk assessment by the World Markets Research Centre, places the UK ahead of Russia, Liberia, Yemen and Lebanon, but tenth overall as the country most likely to be targeted by terrorists. "The PM is quite upset," said the source. "He's been on his mobile phone several times to Jack [Straw] and other key ministers seeking advice on how we can get a better ranking." "Mr. Blair feels that the UK should be at least be on the same footing as the USA, which was placed fourth," he continued, "especially given our unreserved support of President Bush's invasion of Iraq. We can understand being ahead of, say, Liberia, but behind Colombia, for goodness sake. Come on, let's get real! First it was the Eurovision song contest, now this. What have people got against us? Apart from the memory of Mrs. Thatcher, that is." He went on to say that Mr. Blair has asked for an emergency Cabinet meeting to be convened to discuss strategies for improving the UK's standing. DeadBrain understands that one idea that has been floated at Number Ten is for Mr. Blair to make insulting phone calls to world dictators and terrorist leaders, for example accusing their wife (or wives) of smelling like a yak, in the hope of stirring them up (the leaders, that is) to increase their threats against the UK. "That's in the very early stages of consideration," said the source, "and it may well come to nothing. At present we're trying to find out what yaks smell like just to be sure that it would in fact be an insult." DeadBrain has learned that US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld is incensed at the USA's ranking fourth. "Is the USA best at everything?" he is reported to have asked. "For sure it is," he apparently replied. "Heavens to Betsy, we should be first on everybody's list," he allegedly continued. Contacted by our reporter, Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III said that the key members of the Bush coterie are also to hold an emergency meeting to discuss getting the USA's ranking to number one, "where any sensible person knows it should be". "But Colin Powell won't be invited," he said, "as he's too soft these days. It will just be the President, Mr. Rumsfeld, Mr. Ashcroft and Vice President Cheney, if we can find him."
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