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NHS to be closed for repairs
28 Aug 2003 by Malcolm Drury
Following the successful experiment in closing most of the UK rail network for repairs over a single bank holiday weekend, the government has announced that it intends to close the NHS completely for three months in order to effect all the planned changes outlined in its NHS Plan at once, rather than spreading them over ten years.
Douglas Ramsbottom, spokesman for the Secretary of State for Health, John Reid, told DeadBrain that the closure will be in effect from the beginning of October until the end of December this year. People requiring treatment during that period will be given a number, and will be called in for treatment as their turn comes up, once the NHS re-opens.
"We are currently negotiating with the Argos chain to use a modification of their automated customer information system," he said. "We're looking at something like an announcement on the lines of 'Patient number 2,010,554 to your treatment point, please'".
"In the meantime," he continued, "we are planning an advertising blitz in all the popular media asking people to try to refrain from becoming ill or having accidents during those three months. We realise there will be some minor inconvenience for some people, but we are confident that good old British pluck will see us through. And by January 2004 we will have a national health service that is the envy of the world."
Health service Ombudswoman Ann Abraham told DeadBrain she would be keeping a close eye on the closure, and would be sending a strong ombudssignal to the government if she felt that health service statistics were being unduly compromised.
In related news, the NHS has announced that as a result of a recent embarrassing incident involving a black lady being told she could only have a white prosthetic foot, it will in future be making artificial limbs available in only a single, neutral colour. It appears that a committee of senior NHS and Health Service Executive officials will be developing a short list of potential colours, which will then be presented to the general public, who will be invited to vote according to their preference. DeadBrain understands that among the colours being considered are metallic grey, pale lime green, and burgundy, although the latter may end up being rejected as an inappropriate designer colour.
Hey, look at this!
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