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  Why we went to war
Campbell resigns, replaced by Slade guitarist
The Prime Minister's Director of Communications, Alastair Campbell, today confirmed his long-expected resignation in a crushing blow to Tony Blair. Political commentators have described Mr Campbell's role at Downing Street as "immense", with tasks including media management, the distribution of propaganda and holding the Prime Ministerial hand while going to toilet.

"Campbell played an enormous part in the Labour government, but it's no secret that he's been wanting to go for some time now," said Michael Darkes of the Guardian. "To use the toilet situation as an example, nobody licks Blair's arse any longer, Blair can't wipe his arse without Campbell and Campbell's sick of saving Blair's arse. Does that make me sound like I have an unhealthy obsession with arses?"

Conspiracy theorists are reportedly having a field day as to the timing of Mr Campbell's resignation, although he insists that it is for purely personal reasons – to spend more time with his family – and not because of the on-going Hutton Inquiry, his sexuality or what he got up to last weekend when he went badger watching with Ron Davies.

A number of candidates had been touted to replace Mr Campbell, including the former Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, as DeadBrain first reported last month. "Comical Ali would have been a good choice, especially in the current climate. The government really could do with some blind optimism right now," commented Llamaar Ramsbottom-Francis of The Times. "Unfortunately his appointment would have been politically difficult given the whole Saddam thing. There was a danger he would become the story rather than spin someone else's story."

The final choice, perhaps surprisingly, is the former Slade guitarist Dave Hill. Hill, who was famous for his instantly recognisable fringe, is thought to have limited experience in managing government communications, save for a spell working under George Bush Snr in the early 1990s. In a statement, however, it was announced that Hill would radically overhaul the way communications are managed within government.

DeadBrain's political editor, Douglas Ramsbottom, suggested that this might involve even closer ties with the White House and "hopefully some musical backing to press briefings".

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