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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · Gordon Brown |
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| You accidentally discovered: Home > News | 11th February |
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BBC announces plan to annoy everybody 30 Aug 2003 by Andrew Doe The British Broadcasting Corporation admitted today that it had adopted a policy of annoying as many people as possible. The new strategy promises that ordinary license-payers will experience the same level of irritation as Tony Blair, Alastair Campbell and Rupert Murdoch. In addition to sexing up all of its news coverage in future, the BBC has promised a third series of Fame Academy and a feature-length documentary entitled "I Love 2002." Other annoying plans include making all films stop for the news, repeatedly changing the scheduling of popular soap operas and broadcasting repeats of Casualty in the wrong order. Programme-makers have promised a much higher turnover of cast on EastEnders, ensuring that anybody who misses the show for a week with have no idea who half the characters are. Religious programming is also due for a makeover, with Songs of Praise being replaced by a new Sunday evening documentary, Top of the Popes. There are even unconfirmed reports that the corporation plans to reinstate Ann and Nick in their prime-time talk-show spot, and introduce a news review programme hosted by Graham Norton and Ruby Wax. Whilst many commentators doubt the wisdom of this plan, nobody has publicly suggested that it won't be extremely annoying. The BBC's Chief Deputy Assistant Vice-Director of Programming (Entertainment), Douglas T Ramsbottom, explained yesterday that the new policy was well within the BBC's remit as a public service broadcaster. "This is perfectly democratic," he said. "Our policy has always been to make programmes for the country as a whole, regardless of how many people actually want to watch them. If we're going to annoy the Government, then it's only fair that we should annoy everybody else as well." While the new measures will come as a surprise to some viewers, a number of prominent media figures have expressed relief at what they see as a positive step forward. "I think it's fantastic," said an Australian newspaper and satellite-broadcasting tycoon who asked to remain anonymous. "This is just what the industry needs. I've always dreamed of a day when America's Dumbest Criminals was the least irritating thing on the box, and now it seems that my dreams may come true. This announcement marks the beginning of a new age for the whole digital broadcasting community." Ministers and civil servants implicated in the Hutton Inquiry are also said to be backing the idea. "I think it's marvellous," said the soon-to-be-ex-spin doctor Alastair Campbell earlier today. "It's about time that somebody else got some stick off the Beeb – for the last few months they've been winding me up something chronic." "I was only doing what I'm paid for, using uncorroborated information out of context to justify the government's course of action. It was hardly fair that a bunch of journalists came along and picked holes in it." Viewers looking forward to the all-new irritating programming will be able to see the effects of the new policy almost immediately, with Fame Academy judges making even more fatuous comments than usual. The BBC has however denied earlier reports that it is planning to replace the BBC One ident of people in red dancing, on the grounds that the current clips are irritating enough already.
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