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Parents of pre-schoolers to attend remedial schooling
1 Sep 2003 by Malcolm Drury
The head of schools watchdog Ofsted, David Bell, has said that the skills of children starting school are at an all-time low, with many unable to settle and not ready to learn, and he has blamed it on poor parenting.
He told reporters that when many children first start school they don't sit still, they can't follow instructions, and they don't behave properly.
As a result, DeadBrain has learned that the government is quietly planning to require all parents of pre-school children to attend remedial classes in doing up buttons, using a knife and fork, tying shoe laces, sitting still, "holding it in", listening, and napping on command. The hope is that these skills will be passed on to young children.
Ofsted will be hiring Parent Inspectors to complement the cadre of School Inspectors. The role of the former will be to assess the ability of parents to prepare their children for school life. Parents meeting certain minimum standards, yet to be defined, following the remedial training will be awarded a certificate entitling them to send their children to school. Those parents who fail will be required to undergo further, intensive, training, in a simulated school environment. No child who does not have at least one parent with the required certificate will be allowed to attend school.
Douglas Ramsbottom, Orwellian Professor of Early Childhood Indoctrination at the University of Bootle, told DeadBrain that while these measures may seem severe, they are for the benefit of all. "Education costs a lot of money - taxpayers’ money - and we don’t want to see it wasted, do we?" he said. "These measures will ensure that those children who do start school will be properly equipped for it. And if there are some children who are barred from starting school, why that will have a beneficial effect in reducing class sizes. So everybody wins. I’m all for them."
A Downing Street spokesman, speaking on condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain that in spite of the clear similarities between school starters and Members of Parliament, the government is not planning any special means to make the latter sit still, follow instructions and behave properly. "We feel that by their age it’s just too deeply ingrained," he said.
Wow, look at this!
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