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| You are crouching next to: Home > News | 17th May |
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 US seeks alternative financing for its occupation of Iraq 5 Sep 2003 by Malcolm Drury Stung by growing American public anger at the huge, and rapidly mounting, cost of the US occupation of Iraq, President "Boy" George W. Bush has asked his officials to look for alternative financing means, DeadBrain has learned. Secretary of State Colin Powell has already invited other countries to contribute both troops and cash, via the UN, but with the proviso that the Americans retain full control of both. However, Pentagon spokesman Elmer K. Ramsbottom III told our reporter that this approach may not gain the level of support the US needs, particularly from "pantywaist surrender-monkeys like France", so more imaginative solutions to the cash crunch are being considered as a contingency plan. In a particularly innovative financing scheme, Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld has offered to rent out spare US troops and military hardware to any nation wanting to teach its neighbour a lesson, expand its borders, expropriate other nations’ natural resources, or just generally "kick ass", as he put it. Announcing this moneymaking scheme at a Pentagon press conference, he said: "Holy moly, continents like Africa and South America are just ripe for this kind of thing. Countries down there are always having a go at each other. US troops are the best trained in the world and they have the best equipment. Who wouldn’t want to hire them?" He went on to say that rates would be reasonable, and a number of incentives, such as two-for-one weekends and frequent fighter points, were being considered. However, payment would have to be in cash in a reasonably solid currency. "Sorry, no credit," he added. Other schemes under consideration are contracting out the running of Iraq to large US corporations, as a cost-saving measure, and selling or renting out the State of Maine. Regarding the former, a White House aide to Mr. Bush, speaking on condition of anonymity, told DeadBrain that the Disney Corporation and McDonalds were among the giants likely to be approached, given their extensive experience in running huge undertakings and in promoting a sense of happiness, comfort and uniformity. "That would have an added benefit of helping calm the Iraqis and restore peace and order," he said. With regards to Maine, the official noted that geographically it could easily be cut off from the rest of the US, that it has no strategic importance, and no resources of any significance. But it could well attract interest from investors wishing to develop its capacity as a global holiday centre, he noted, given its extensive coastline. "We did suggest Florida, for precisely those reasons," he said, "but the President vetoed that, saying Florida could have immense strategic importance for him in the 2004 election." When questioned, he refused to elaborate. Related Articles US finds planes, battleships, soldiers buried in Iraqi desert 2 August 2003 Bush and officials to take turns accepting blame for bogus uranium claim 31 July 2003 Comical Ali: Blair's son is dead 29 Jul 2003 Liberation of Iraq to be re-enacted for Crimewatch 25 Jul 2003 Comical Ali: Saddam's sons are not dead 23 Jul 2003 Blair's forged Iraq documents may have been forged forgeries 21 Jul 2003
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