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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · George W Bush |
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| You are happy to see: Home > News | 30th July |
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Sexless government infuriated by vibrant young people 8 Sep 2003 by Samuel Gee Rumours are abounding today after documents leaked from the Home Office on Friday indicated that the government would try to pass a law forbidding young people from being taught about the opposite sex. Under the new reform, any sexual touching, including kissing and hugging, will be punishable by up to four years in prison, and 14 years for the parents of the offenders. Sources indicate that the Government, which, since the departure of Robin Cook, has been described by some as "essentially sex-less, decrepit, past-their-sexual-peak old men", is infuriated by the spate of runaway romances by young people, including the recent attempted elopement of Ashley Lamprey (15) and Natasha Phillips (12). A spokesman for Home Secretary Mr Blunkett was quick to respond to the issue, with characteristic tact: "Yes it's bloody true. I happen to be old, fat and useless, and girls love stuff like that, but you don't see me getting any booty, do you? And these bloody kids are barely out of the cradle, and already they ‘find love'! Pah! If we can't get any, no-one can!" Upon uttering this, the spokesman was rushed from the room and replaced by another one of Mr Blunkett's hordes of spokes-drones, who promptly gave another statement indicating that he was "sorry for the previous comment", and that the previous spokesperson was just "very upset because his son had got 7 A's in his A-levels recently, which are worth about the same as a degree in sheep farming nowadays". The bill has been piloted in the small town of Bootle for the past year, and has, according to a leaked Home Office memo, "been bloody marvellous". Our reporter in the field asked local boy Gregory T Mullet for his thoughts on the proposal: "Sorry, a what? A girl? What's that? I mean, I used to have a girlfriend and stuff, but then my friend got life in jail for statutory rape of his girlfriend when he kissed her hello on the cheek one day. I'm staying well away from girls now." One concern arising from the experiment is the huge increase in masturbation by young men all over the town. Evangelical leader Douglas Ramsbottom, a former resident of Bootle, was quick to condemn the law. "All those poor young men have been grasped by the sweaty, hairy palm of Satan, and are indulging in acts far worse than sexual exploration between those of the opposite sexes," he warned. "Jesus will not stand for this, you mark my words!" The government has also been asked how it expects young people to procreate and continue the human race in England, if they are never to learn about the opposite sex. According to witnesses at the time, the spokesperson expressed "supreme indifference" to the problem, with the view that he'd "rather have an empty country than a country full of people getting any when I'm not". The bill has also prompted hordes of young people aged between 13 and 16 to form large groups over the weekend and touch each other up as much as they possibly can. The number of pregnant teenage girls admitted to clinics has quadrupled in two days. Many claim that they were forced to have sex as soon as possible, as they didn't plan to live indefinitely as virgins, and they fully expected David Blunkett to pay for all child support. Our man in the Home Office reports that the Secretary of State broke down and cried when he heard the news, before reaching slowly for his departmental chequebook. The Daily Mail has meanwhile expressed full support for the idea but criticised the government for not going far enough.
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