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Taliban preparing for comeback tour of Afghanistan
10 Sep 2003 by Malcolm Drury
DeadBrain has obtained a copy of a confidential American report that suggests Middle Eastern punk group "The Taliban" are planning a comeback in their home base of Afghanistan.
The group was the dominant cultural force - in fact the only cultural force - in Afghanistan in the late 1990s and early years of the present decade, but disappeared from the scene last year when the country was overwhelmed by an invasion of US popular culture and bombs. However, recent US Central Intelligence Agency monitoring of the band suggests they are in the process of regrouping.
CIA analyst Hiram K. Ramsbottom refused to confirm or deny the existence of the report. However, he did admit that the Agency has been monitoring the group, which appears to have been playing a number of low-key gigs in the past few weeks. "Possibly they're gearing up for an eventual world tour," he said. "That certainly was their objective in the past."
"We suspect that the comeback is being engineered by their long-time producer and agent, Osama bin Laden," he continued. Mr bin Laden, founder of the other well-known Middle Eastern group, al Qaeda, has kept a low profile in recent months, with only occasional rumoured sightings. The CIA document suggests that he has taken a sabbatical from his hectic career to re-invent himself creatively following the Taliban's fall from grace in the face of last year's US cultural onslaught.
Responding to our Washington reporter's question concerning the CIA report, US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr Strangelove" Rumsfeld said he was not aware of it and refused to speculate on its possible significance. However, he did say that if the Taliban were attempting a comeback the US would not stand idly by.
"Our brave boys fought long and hard to replace the Taliban's style with good old US culture in Afghanistan," he said. "Will I allow that to be jeopardised? Absolutely not! Will we permit musical terrorism from a group of punks? No way. Do we have the means to prevent it? You bet!"
Pressed to describe the means, he refused to give details, but hinted that the US military has developed a new suite of weapons for fighting such terrorism, including a laser-guided Madonna and a cluster version of N Sync. "That oughta blast 'em back to the stone age," he added, grinning broadly.
Look at this, moron.
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