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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · John Prescott |
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| You have been disturbed by: Home > News | 8th January |
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Bush to Hurricane Isabel: "Bring it on!" 18 Sep 2003 by Malcolm Drury A defiant US President "Boy" George W. Bush appeared on the steps of the White House this morning wearing his spandex Captain America suit and urging Hurricane Isabel to "bring it on, baby, we're ready for ya!" While much of the rest of Washington, including federal government offices, had been closed for the day in anticipation of a ferocious onslaught by the hurricane, the President remained in the capital for several minutes as a gesture of solidarity with a fearful city. At an impromptu press conference he said that the US would take all that Isabel could throw at it. "We took on the Taliban and beat ‘em. We took on Saddam Hussein™ and beat him," he said, his cape flapping in the growing wind. "If they don't stop being so uppity we might well take on France and Canadia, too, and make no mistake about it, we'll beat them!" "So we're not afraid to take on an itty-bitty hurricane," he continued. "Why, in Texas, we don't even bother with umbrellas for something like this." The President then left for the safety of his Camp David retreat. Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security Tom "Who?" Ridge issued a statement that appealed to residents of all areas of the eastern US that are expected to be hit by Isabel to remain calm. "Do not panic," it said. "In the event of a breakdown in communications, be assured that your government has been evacuated to safety and will continue to function during the emergency. Stay in your homes. The National Guard has been called up to ensure the security of our infrastructure, and they will be watching over you." Attorney General John Ashcroft later issued his own statement saying that anyone trying to take advantage of the emergency to undertake acts of terrorism or any other acts hostile to the interests of the US government, such as being a Democrat, would be apprehended under the Patriot Act. "Isabel won't be affecting Guantanamo Bay," he told reporters enigmatically before leaving for an undisclosed location. In the meantime, fears for the safety of Vice President Dick "Head" Cheney, who is believed to be living in the mountains of West Virginia, have grown. The hurricane is expected to cause severe flooding over a wide area, and White House officials have expressed concern that Mr. Cheney will get caught up in it. "He's just not prepared for that kind of thing," White House spokesperson Mildred K. Ramsbottom tearfully told reporters. "He has led such a sheltered life. We are currently intensifying our search for him, but we will have to pull out if the storm hits. I just hope he'll be OK."
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