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Government outlaws popular meat-based product
19 Sep 2003
Confusion reigns supreme today after the government outlawed the popular "meat-based" product, Spam. Spam, which is "enjoyed" the world over by "millions" of enthusiasts, was described by a government spokesman as a "the bane of internet users". From 11 December this year, anyone caught in possession of Spam will be fined up to £5,000, with higher fines for those who seek to distribute the product.
Earlier this year a survey suggested that half of all children felt "uncomfortable" when put into contact with Spam; a majority of office workers were stressed by it; and 94% of people find it "hugely annoying".
"We have to consider the feelings of people in all this, Spam is a big problem," said Professor Gregory T Mullet, Bootle University's Spam Studies Coordinator and a leading figure in the anti-Spam lobby. "Put yourself in the shoes of a small child – how would you feel if you were served up Spam for your tea? And how would you feel if you were that child's parent, being forced to feed it to them? I don't know about you but I'd feel pretty low. That's why we have to stop this menace before it causes any more harm."
Software companies the world over have produced products that attempt to stop consumers from coming into contact with Spam. One such product works on a palm-top device, on which users have to input everything that they eat. If it is found that the user is eating Spam, the device beeps furiously and gives a small electric shock, which is apparently enough to put a user off his or her food. However, in independent studies, it was only found to be effective in a quarter of cases and a number of users reported severe irritation.
It is hoped that by outlawing Spam the government may provide further incentive for users to stay away from it, but with much of the Spam reaching people's mouths coming from the United States and Asia, this could prove to be difficult. "We are having severe problems with Spam being shipped in on huge freighters and distributed by road to the less-reputable supermarkets," said Customs spokesman Douglas Ramsbottom. "Unfortunately this Spam is usually of lower quality than the original product and consumers have reported feeling ill after eating it."
"We are carrying out searches at all ports and airports for Spam smugglers, but with the limited resources we have this can only be so much use," he added. "We are currently testing a new process whereby drugs sniffer dogs are retrained to sniff out Spam as well. It's going quite well, but we have had a number of incidents where the dogs have actually eaten the Spam, which is a disadvantage when we're trying to take someone to court."
In related news, the government has denied that it is failing to meet targets for ICT competence among ministers.
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