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White House sacks Bush speechwriters after poor UN performance
24 Sep 2003 by Malcolm Drury
Aides to US President "Boy" George W. Bush have sacked his speechwriters following his address to the UN General Assembly yesterday, DeadBrain has learned. While strong on the usual rhetoric, the response to the speech by world leaders can at best be described as polite.
A chastened Mr Bush has apparently been wandering the corridors of the White House, looking dejected and asking anyone who would listen "why those Frenchies and Germaniums don't like me".
"Gee whiz," he was overheard to say to one of the White House cats, "nothing I say seems to resignate with those guys. What's their problem?"
A senior White House official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told our reporter that the President had taken a hard look at the quality of his speeches and, given the flop at the UN, had decided that a new approach was needed. He was apparently advised that because of their monotonous simplicity and lack of big words, his speeches were generally seen as lacking fire, except in some parts of Texas and Montana.
As a result, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, former PR man for failed dictator Saddam Hussein™, had been offered the job of Mr Bush's principal speechwriter. Mr al-Sahaf, otherwise known as Comical Ali, achieved global fame during the US-led invasion of Iraq for his outrageously over-the-top statements to the press.
"We just have to work out the contract details, but we fully expect to have Mr al-Sahaf onboard before next season's campaign against evil-doers begins," said the official. While no details are available at present there is a growing view in Washington that the US may have to take on a number of other Middle Eastern countries, particularly as it now appears that the Iraq Survey Group's interim report, due to be published next month, will say that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
"OK, so maybe we got the wrong country," said the official, "but we know WMDs are out there somewhere, and we'll need a good speechwriter like Mr al-Sahaf to help the President convince the doubting Jacques and Gerhards."
"We'll also be looking at spicing up the President's speeches with a few jokes," he continued, "and we're looking for some good ones, as no-one here seems to know any. But there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that the President will be wearing a large bow tie with flashing lights and a clown nose for his future speeches."
PR and communications expert Professor Douglas Ramsbottom of the University of Bootle told our reporter that the move makes sense. "If Mr Bush wants to continue to make outrageous statements and accusations, and tell whoppers, he might as well give them a bit of glitz, and Mr al-Sahaf is an acknowledged expert at that," he said.
In related news, US Secretary of Offence Donald "Dr. Strangelove" Rumsfeld told reporters that in his opinion it was time "that garlic-breathing Chirac" got taught a lesson. "Criminy," he said, "just what is it with that guy?"
Asked what measures the US might take to teach the lesson, Mr Rumsfeld simply replied "It would be a shame if something nasty got into his country's wine and cheese supplies."
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