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| News · Satire · Spoof · Parody · Humour · David Cameron |
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| You are slobbering over: Home > News | 30th July |
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 Plans afoot to keep Blaine in box indefinitely 26 Sep 2003 by Stone Secret documents recently "borrowed" by DeadBrain from Sky Entertainment have exposed groundbreaking new plans in the development of reality television. Exploiting a loophole in its contract with "crazy trickster" David Blaine, Sky One will soon be offering the viewing public the chance to vote on whether Mr Blaine should be allowed to leave the box once his 44 days have elapsed. Otherwise, if the public so choose, Mr Blaine may become a permanent feature in the London skyline. "We're just making it all a bit more interactive," a reluctant Sky executive told DeadBrain. "At the moment, a lot of people don't see the attraction of watching a starving hobo sitting in a box doing nothing all day. Let's face facts - your average British viewer just isn't interested in watching an arrogant twat with a goatee who hasn't bathed in weeks wearing a nappy so that he can urinate in public - unless it's a guest on Trisha, obviously, that goes without saying." "We just figured giving the proles a vote would make them more interested in what's otherwise a rather silly and pointless exercise. It worked for Democracy, right?" Preliminary poling by Sky One has shown a massive 84% favouring Blaine's "indefinite occupation" of the Sky One box, with only 6% favouring "eviction" before Christmas. "This rocks," Mr Blaine's agent, Elvis Ramsbottom claims. "This just shows how big David done got over here. Y'all just can't let go! It's beautiful, man! Some of y'all even been trying to help out by throwing food up to him. Eggs 'n' all. He loves y'all back. It's touching, man. David's touched; he's a touched man. He can feel the love in there." "But, but damn man, and ding-dang-doo, he gotta come down sometime!" he continued. "Y'all gotta see that, otherwise he gawn starve up there, then he won't be able to spread his tricks no more. And y'all be sorry then, but by then it'll be too late, y'unnerstand?! Love y'all! Thank-you, thank you very much." Mayor of London "Red" Ken Livingstone is also said to be "elated" by the news. "It's wonderful," he told a DeadBrain reporter. "It could become one of London's star attractions. In years to come it'll be one of the wonders of the world. It'll put us back on the map. Not many cities can boast a starving magician hanging in a box over their river - outside of Iran at least." Update In a bizarre twist, Conservative "bleeder" Iain Duncan Smith, envious of Blaine's "fly-by-night" fame, has announced his own plans to spend up to fifty days suspended in a glass box over the Thames. Fellow Conservatives have expressed concern over a range of issues including Mr Duncan Smith's preparedness, his safety and "frankly, whether anyone will notice". Related Articles Viewing government web sites "bad for your health" 12 Aug 2003 Boy, 13, glues tractor to face 6 Aug 2003
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