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| You are hovering over: Home > News | 11th February |
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 Tories offer to help Blair change direction 30 Sep 2003 by Malcolm Drury Responding to Tony Blair's admission that he can only go one way, the Conservative Party has offered to advise him on how to go in several directions, DeadBrain has learned. The Prime Minister made the admission - or, to some observers, boast - during his speech to the Labour Party annual conference in Bournemouth today. "I can only go one way, I've not got a reverse gear," he said. A spokesman for alleged leader of the Conservative Party, Iain Duncan Smith, told our reporter that the Tories would be happy to provide the advice to Mr Blair, noting that Mr Duncan Smith had himself been given extensive help from a personal trainer some time ago after he had been deemed to be unable to go in any direction at all. "Now, as we all know, Mr Duncan Smith is quite capable of going forwards and backwards, as well as side to side, sometimes all at the same time," he said. "We must get the Prime Minister to reverse direction on a number of his policy issues, including university fees, foundation hospitals, and nationalising the Teletubbies," he continued. "If we can help in any way, we're ready, willing and able. We have the expertise and experience and for the good of the country we're willing to share it with Mr Blair - and at no cost to the taxpayer." "We see this as our duty to the nation," he added. When told of the offer, an aide to the Prime Minister categorically refused it, saying: "The PM's not for turning. Oh, that line has already been done, hasn't it?" In related news, Bournemouth police have denied a report that a man who apparently tried to perform a citizen's arrest on Mr Blair as he arrived at the conference hall was Mr Duncan Smith. "We have not yet been able to verify the identity of the individual," said Chief Superintendent Douglas Ramsbottom, "so I can understand why people thought it was IDS, but we are working on the theory that it might be Robin Cook, or possibly Clare Short in disguise." Related Articles Kennedy – "We can replace Conservatives as also rans" 25 Sep 2003
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