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Analysis: Who are Labour's most dangerous opponents?
2 Oct 2003
Opponents of the Labour Party are tonight responding to John Prescott's statement that the Conservatives are "the lowest, the meanest and the most dangerous opponents we could have". Speaking at the party's conference in Bournemouth today, the Deputy Prime Minister criticised the Tory leadership but warned that they would be a threat at the next set of elections next year.
However, other opponents are jostling for the number one place in Mr Prescott's list of enemies:- The Liberal Democrats
Leader Charles Kennedy told DeadBrain: "We're mean, we're hard, we kick bottom in a fair and ethical way within the confines of the electoral system, which incidentally we intend to reform."
- The BNP
Official spokesman Gregory T Hitler told his hairdresser while he was getting his head shaved: "If the f***ing Labour Party think they can f***ing run this country then they've got another thing coming. F***ing w******."
- Apathy
Some studies suggest that people are becoming increasingly disinterested in politics and election turnout has been falling for decades. A spokesman for the British Apathy Party declined to comment.
- The Labour Party
Mr Prescott attacked Labour MPs who criticise their party's leadership in the media instead of at party meetings. Writing in the Daily Mail, prominent critic Peter Kilfoyle responded by criticising the party's leadership for criticising him and added that next year's conference would be the toughest yet for Tony Blair.
- John Prescott
Fortunately he decided not to sing along to socialist anthem The Red Flag.
- Al Qaeda
Osama bin Laden's terror network is not known for its friendliness towards Labour. Addressing the public via a videotape broadcast on al Jazeera, bin Laden said that revenge would be taken on "anyone who invades Afghanistan/Iraq/Iran/Saudi Arabia (edit as appropriate)". - Weapons of Mass Destruction
Both Iraq and the Labour Party central office appear to be completely free of WMD, but since Iraq definitely has them then so might Labour HQ. Egg-throwers beware.
- The Women's Institute
The WI has given Tony Blair a bloody nose and could do the same to Mr Prescott. Commenting during a lull in her slow handclap practice session, Mrs Dora Ramsbottom said, "Tony always looked like a nice young man but he strayed and we showed him what for. That Mr Prescott looks quite dangerous too, but I keep a brick in my handbag so if he tries to punch me I'll show him what the WI can really do."
In a rare show of public agreement, though, the alleged Conservative leader, Iain so-called Duncan Smith, insisted that his party were a dangerous political force. "Grrr," he said with a small and slightly apologetic cough.
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